The Zelda Project Part 3: Ocarina of Time

Flameshields: Engaged

Alright, let's get this out of the way now. I don't think this is the greatest video game of all time. I don't think it's the best Nintendo game ever. I don't think it's the best N64 game ever. I don't even think it's the best Legend of Zelda game ever. So if any of that bothers you, this is where to stop.

Still here? Good.

This game is fucking great. Amazing even, especially for its time. Ocarina of Time is a master class of gaming. Level design? Off the charts. Music? Jesus Christ in a wood-chipper, it's amazing. Gameplay? Eh...it's aged, but it still works. Visuals? They still look good. Not PC Master Race levels of good, but looking at what else was around at the time, it's INCREDIBLE! I mean, look at Super Mario 64 and then look at Ocarina of Time. 

Those textures, the castle, the skybox. Jesus, it's like looking into the future. And I know, Mario is supposed to be Cartoon-y and this Zelda went for a more realistic approach, but the contrast in the capabilities shown off is still striking. This is what two years of working with what a system can do looks like. And it shows. This game is more polished visually than anything else I have played from the era. 

At The Time/Background

So, I actually have two backgrounds with this one. First, what was I playing in 1998 when Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time came out? Well, I had a Playstation and was playing games like Crash Bandicoot, Spyro The Dragon, and WCW/NWO Thunder. Two of those games were really, REALLY good. And I'll let you decide which ones they were 

Goldberg > Spyro

I didn't own an N64 at the time, nor did I want one. Until I saw the commercial for WCW/NWO Revenge. In case you didn't realize by now, I am a huge wrestling fan. Walking through Toys'R'Us as a kid with the displays of Hollywood Hogan and Goldberg everywhere...I wanted it. Nay, I NEEDED it. I begged my Mom for it for Christmas, but she told me it wasn't for the Playstation. See, I was six at the time, and didn't understand that there was anything other than the system I had. From birth I had a SNES, so it didn't even occur to me that there was something else before. I didn't know what a Sega Genesis was. I had no clue that Game Boys existed. So I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Eventually, when I started going to friends houses, I found out people had other games than I had. I remember playing an N64 for the first time at my friend Ethan's birthday party. I actually got to play WCW/NWO Revenge, And that was the moment I had to have it.

And eventually I got it, along with every wrestling game known to man. But I got my N64 at the tail end of 1999. And by that point, most of the "famous" titles had passed me by. The only non-wrestling games I had were Donkey Kong 64 and Super Smash Bros. The latter was my official introduction to Link, as I've talked about before. He became my main character and I loved him without ever having played the game. Fast forward to college, people start judging me for using Link but having never played a Legend of Zelda game before. And this argument inspires me to play the most iconic game in the history of games.

So I started playing it. I started with what would essentially be my generations starting point. And I played it with all of my friends watching me conquer this trial. And that is where the problems started for me. This next paragraph is going to be a whole bunch of statements, so please bare with me here.

You see, I'm playing this years after playing all of the games I consider the best of all time. And my friends are trying to get me to play a game they all loved that everyone else thinks is better than all of my games. And it's a game they've all played hundreds of times. I've never played a Zelda game or a game like this. The closest is Okami, which I've never finished. So everyone is judging me for not knowing how to do things. Instead of letting me figure out stuff on my own, they're just telling me what to do. Which prevents me from learning the game. Which leads to more judgement. Which leads me to get frustrated because I don't like to be told how to play a game. And then I quit, and decried Legend of Zelda forever.

So I stopped, angry and frustrated. I couldn't do it. I got to the Forest Dungeon boss and quit. Because I didn't learn the mechanic to beat the boss. Because instead of figuring out the mechanic on my own, I was told how to progress and just assumed it was a one time thing like other games do. I didn't understand the Zelda Tropes, and that led to the downfall.

So for the years following, I just used Arin "egoraptor" Hanson's argument for why Ocarina of Time isn't that great from Sequelitis. I figured it was good enough to back up why I didn't like the game. If someone asked for more detail, I would just say I didn't like it and try to leave it at that. The problem with piggybacking off of someone else's opinion is that...well...it's someone else's. No matter how much I claimed to agree with Arin's opinion, I didn't really have a basis other than "this dude I know on the internet doesn't think it's that great, so...neither do I." It's like when someone in your group of friends claims that a restaurant gave them bad service, so you just avoid it. Even though you've tried a bit and thought it tasted alright, but had a bunch of people breathing down your neck saying "Don't you think it's amazing, Dean? Everyone else loves it and everybody can't be wrong! Why are you bad at eating this food?! Just put it in your hand like this."

...Okay, that comparison deteriorated a bit, but my point still stands. I didn't like the game for arbitrary reasons that make me seem like a total snob. But, I digress. Enough background, lets get to this.

In The Beginning

So the game starts off with The Great Deku Tree, the guardian of the forest(?) summoning a fairy named Navi to find the boy with no fairy in the village. The Tree then wants Navi to lead the boy back to him, for he has a message. So Navi get's the boy who, surprise, is you, and leads you to the Tree. The Deku Tree then tells you to get in his mouth and get a stone for him. So you do, and then the Deku Tree tells you he's dying and you have to save the world. Then he dies...and it's kind of awkward. Because like...you just met him, then he dies, and you just sort of walk back to your village and have all of the people accuse you of murder. It's weird.

Anyway, you are sent to meet with Zelda who tells you that the world is totally fucked because a guy named Ganondorf is going to kill everyone and take over the world. The only way to stop him is to open the temple of time and gain the Master Sword, the sword of evil's bane (again)! So you do, and then Ganondorf chases after Zelda and kills you. Game over.

Except it isn't. You wake up in a pool of your own blood water with a guy named Rauru standing over you. He tells you that you've been dead sleeping for seven years. You realize that at some point he slipped some white tights onto your naked child body and are a little disturbed. But he informs you that the world has, indeed, gone to shit while you slept and now it is up to you to fulfill the prophecy and become the Hero of Time. Find the Seven Sages (again), use their power to lock up Ganondorf, and save Hyrule (again)!

That is, of course, the barest of bare bones synopsis of this game, because there is actually a lot going on. This game has a LOT of characters that, while necessary to the plot, would just make this review overly long. Not to mention all of the mask side quests, the Skulltula's side quest, the beans, the pieces of heart...there is a LOT to this game. Hell, we're not just dealing with humans and...not humans anymore. The game introduces new races into the Zelda lore, such as a Gorons and the Gerudos. They also revamp the Zora's, going from making them look like the Creature From The Black Lagoon to looking like...well...this

All that water goes through his butt crack...

The Quest

The main quest of this game is pretty cut and dry. Temples, Princess Zelda, Tri-Force, Ganon...dorf, Hyrule is saved. But where this game shines is not so much the quest itself, but the circumstances surrounding them. In Link to the Past, you had a purpose for going to the temples (save the sages), but aside from the item and heart container within them, that was your only motivation. This time around, there are storyline purposes to make it though the dungeons too. And as a story-driven games person, this was a huge plus for me. The first time I played this game I just wanted to play it. I didn't care about the story because it was a point-proving thing. This time, I took the time to enjoy it. And while I've seen many games with better stories, this one is well above average. This game weaves all of the dungeons together, especially after you become adult Link.

You go back to the Lost Woods to visit with Saria because she has called to you. After that, Death Mountain looks like it's about to erupt, so you visit the Goron's and find that they've all been captured.  After taking care of that, you feel the chill in the air from Zora's domain. Why is it frozen? Where are all the Zora? After taking care of that, you travel back to Kakariko Village to find Impa has gone missing. After that, you head to the desert in search of the final sage. You hear about this evil woman named Nabooru, who used to be a Robin Hood-esque thief but is now the right hand woman to Ganondorf. When you get to the Spirit Temple, you are forced to travel back in time to come back. When you do, you meet Nabooru and she's actually really nice! And you witness her capture that turns her into the evil woman you hear about! Holy shit, that is some deep time-travel story telling. It's all woven together really well, and really makes the dungeons have some weight for me.

That said, lets talk dungeons. The Spirit Temple was my favorite by far. I like the Egyptian aesthetics and the fact that you go though it in two halves was really cool. It's something I wish the other dungeons had done, because otherwise it was next to pointless to go back and be a kid again for the main quest. The Forest Temple was way more confusing than it needed to be, though that might be my fault. The Water Temple, for years, has been build up to be this incredibly daunting challenge. And while it did take me a while, it wasn't really hard. Just really, REALLY tedious. If you didn't have to pause the game, switch your boots, go to the different levels, pause again, take off your boots, play your ocarina, lower the water level, jump down, swim through a hallway, open the chest, raise the level...ugh...yeah. It's just as tedious as I just made it sound. It's just so boring. And the enemies respawn, so the whole time you're switching, things jump down from the top of the middle pyramid...thing and hit you. And you can't use your sword underwater, so you have to hope your hook shot hits whatever you're trying to hit and kills it. The water temple is a huge blemish on an otherwise great game. The only saving grace of it is the really fun boss fight.

The other dungeons are just sort of blah for me. They weren't bad by any means, but the layouts themselves were just nothing special. Some of them had some really nice aesthetics and themes, but they just don't jump at me as much as the others. I mean, the lava dungeon doesn't have an Iron Knuckle for me to fight. It just has some bats. But, at least the lava boss is cool. In fact...

The Bosses

All the bosses are really cool, especially the ones after you become adult Link. Not only are the bosses cool, but the mini-bosses are also cool. Out of nowhere in the Water Temple, you fight Shadow Link! And he kicked my ass, but it was a really awesome fight! The aforementioned Iron Knuckles are also a personal favorite. Bongo Bongo (from the Shadow Temple) and the Scorceress Sisters (from the Spirit Temple) are my absolute favorite fights in the game. The last thing I expected in the Shadow Temple was a giant bongo-playing ape demon? This fight had to have inspired Donkey Konga

Future review?

Finally though, after collecting the sages, finding out Sheik's secret, and returning to Hyrule Castle, you confront Ganondorf. This ending level is absolutely awesome. Going through mini sections of the former dungeons was great. Climbing the castle sets the tone for the fight that you're about to have. Finally, you reach a room where Ganondorf awaits. He zaps Navi away and you're left without a way to target him! Shit man! You volley his attacks back at him, a la Agahnim in the last game. But, the difference here is in Link to the Past, you were on a 2D plane. This time, it's 3D, and that actually makes this fight exciting. You have to make sure your aim is going to be spot on and the timing is different because things are traveling at an angle.

So you beat him and the game is over, right?

Wrong. Now you have to escape the castle before it crumbles, Metroid style! So you go though the castle you just climbed to escape your death. 

So, you escape the castle with the princess. Surely, that must be the end, right?

DOUBLE WRONG! Now you have to fight GANON! And this time, Navi is there. BUT! You lose your sword. So now what are you gonna do? Using your cunning, you find Ganon's weakness, wear him down enough to get your sword and continue the fight to the death! This fight is fucking awesome. All of the previous Ganon fights pale in comparison, even the last one which was in it's own right great. But this is something else entirely. Not only is this the best final boss of the series that i've played so far, but it might be in my top final boss fights ever. It is crazy awesome, and beating it at 5 a.m. really made this a wild ride.

Now, the part that people are going to be pissed about...

The Criticism

This game controls like total ass. I'm sorry, it just does. Link does not target anything you want him to. In fact, he'll try and look at mostly anything but what's in the room with him. I realize it was the first targeting system of it's time, but holy shit it is awful. And it's not just the targeting. Movement in this game is a chore in and of itself. Thankfully the platforming is pretty minimal, but when it does happen it is a nightmare. The Water Temple is particularly bad about this, as there are a couple of timed platforming spots that SHOULD be easy to get through, but Link decides where he's going to jump without your consent. He just give's no shits about the fact that missing a pillar will just kill you until you warp back into reality.

Don't even get me started on riding Epona. It is thankfully a very, VERY minimal (and optional) piece of the game, but it seems to me that figuring out her controls were an afterthought. Turning her is like turning that one shopping cart at Wal-Mart that has 3 busted wheels. The fact that I even won the race to keep her is a miracle of gaming. Actually, it was me glitching out Ingo, but y'know, same difference. I'm glad that the horse archery section never got incorporated into a boss fight or anything because if it had, this section would probably be a hell of a lot longer.

There are two things I hate in video games. Ice levels and water levels. This game has these two things back to back. It is the worst thing ever in the history of ever. Maybe that's a bit harsh, but I cannot STAND water or ice levels. The ice physics conbined with the already loose controls of this game just lead to frustration. There is a (thankfully) small section in the Ice Cavern where there's a spinning spike thing turning quickly in a circle in the middle of this room. It does not matter how cautiously I tried to get through this room, I could not do it. Chalk it up to me being bad at games if you want, but it's just awful.

Speaking of awful, the whole Jabu Jabu section is complete ass. The "dungeon" itself is hideous, escorting the snooty Princess Ruto is annoying, and I could not possibly want it to be over faster. 

Also, the music in this game, while being some of the most memorable from the series, is pretty unmemorable. Let me explain. All of the songs you collect for the ocarina are memorable. Song of Storms, Saria's Song, Zelda's Lulluby, Song of Time...they're all memorable. I know how to play a couple of them on a real ocarina. But, the warp songs like the Bolero of Fire are just...not. I can hum you the Sun's Song. I can't say the same for the Nocturne of Shadows. And worst of all, the dungeon music is all pretty boring and samey. The village soundtracks are fine. Kokiri Forest and Hyrule Town Square have some fun tunes, but the rest all sort of bleed together for me. The music seemed like a letdown to me considering how highly regarded this soundtrack is. 

Lets see, is there anything else? Yes, there is one. Now I want to stress right away that this one particular critique is purely a personal preference thing, but it was sort of the nail in the coffin moment for me the first time I tried to play this game. And it still bothers me.

So, you know how Ganondorf has taken over Hyrule and obstensibly the world when you wake up from your sleep? Well, when you walk out, Hyrule's Time Square is completely destroyed. Everyone is dead. There are zombies Re-Deads all over the grounds that were once bussling with people. The upbeat music that used to inhabit this area is gone. The sky is dark and brooding. It looks like the end of the world. So you run through the town square to outside the Castle grounds. Once you cross the bridge, you have to be thinking "what else could have happened out here?!"

The answer is nothing. Basically nothing happens. The overworld is still bright and colourful with the same upbeat music playing. Nothing on the surface seems to be in disarray. It is a total tonal buzzkill. And sure, after playing though this time, I found out that some characters were met with a depressing fate. Malon has his farm stolen. The Gorons are imprisoned. Zora's domain is frozen. The contractors get locked up in Gerudo Valley. That's all fine and dandy, but with such a drastic change in scenery inside the castle grounds, I just expected the whole world to be a little more...ominous.

 

Soon...

Final Thoughts

This game may not be my favorite of all time, but it definitely deserves to be ranked as high as it is. It is a spectacle, even for someone who's experiencing it 19 years after it was first released. And yeah, I have some complaints, but having complaints doesn't make a game bad by any means. No game is perfect, and I think a lot of people that have gone back to review this game only do it because they want to sing the games praises while ignoring it's flaws. No, this game is not perfect, but I've yet to play one that is. Hell, I gave Link to the Past a perfect ten and I still think it had flaws. It just depends on how glaring the flaws are weather they matter or not. Unfortunately, the transition to 3D produced more flaws than were here previously. It's a great game that unfortunately has aged too poorly for me to give it a perfect. I'm going to give Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time an 8 out of 10. Any trashing of this game I did before I played it can hereby be stricken from the records. 

I do, once again want to stress that I am judging these games are they are now, in 2017. I'm doing my best to block out how "revolutionary" a game is in it's time because I feel that if you are not judging something in the here and now you're being biased. A movie can be watched at anytime and judged for how it is now. Sometimes things don't age well. But sometimes they do. A movie like King Kong still looks great in 2017. The practical effects are a marvel and still hold up surprisingly well. Music is the same way. The Beatles aren't looked at as a band "of their time", they are just looked at as a band. Bands that are looked at as  "of there time" are bands like Kix and Ratt; bands that only survived because of the market at the time. 

I'm not going to judge these games on a handicap just because people like them. There are shitty Beatles songs that don't ruin an album but still need pointed out. There were shitty sections of this game that didn't ruin this game. But much like a shitty Beatles song, it brought it down a peg or two. That's just the nature of the beast.

Like the new set up? I thought it'd give the reviews a little more of a streamlined feel, y'know? Kind of got the idea from The Completionist. I dig his structure to his reviews, and I'm sort of aping it. So I hope you guys dig it too. I'll see you next time for The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask.

The Zelda Project Part 2: A Link To The Past

Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past was a game I had never heard of until long after it's release. Despite the Super Nintendo being the first console I ever played, this kind of game was beyond what my family was buying. My Grandma liked games like Super Mario and Donkey Kong Country. My Mom liked fighting games like Mortal Kombat and Killer Instinct. And when I got the chance to get a game, it was something about super heroes or a Power Rangers game. We frequently rented games, but even then I mostly just kept renting Metal Warriors and Super Metroid.

Does anyone remember that screen in Donkey Kong Country 2 where you show the hero coins to Cranky Kong?

Hey look! Sonic's shoes and Earthworm Jim's gun!

Well, that was the first time I had ever seen Link. At the time, all I could think is "Who's the loser in the green dress? He's not even as good as Yoshi!" Yeah, three year old me had some sick insults. So this was all I knew about Link until I got Super Smash Bros. And even then, all I knew was that little bio they put with each character. He wasn't even in the commercial, so I had no visual. For one of the most popular Nintendo mascots of all time, he was a total mystery for most of my life.

I had some resentment for this game leading up to actually purchasing it. You see, once the internet started existing and I began my addiction to Top 10 lists, this game here was rated above MY favorite games on the SNES. Like, you're going to tell me this game with a kid in a green dress is better than Super Metroid?! I'm calling bullshit. 

When I actually bought the game and sat down to give it a shot, I thought it was kind of fun. But I only made it through the second pendant dungeon before I got bored and moved onto something else. And that's not the games fault, I have commitment issues sometimes with games. But this time, I buckled down and pushed through, and here are my thoughts.

The game starts similarly to the original. This time, that sweet start up screen comes in and is quickly swept away as the story is presented. An evil wizard named Agahnim has captured six of the descendants of the Seven Sages, who hold the power to the barrier keeping the Dark Lord Ganon in the Dark World. You are awoken to a telepathic message from Princess Zelda telling you she needs help. When you wake, your Uncle tells you to stay put. Being the rebellious kid you are, you go anyway. You make it to the dungeon of the castle, save Zelda, and are told to find three pendants to unlock the Master Sword, the sword of evils bane!

And so you do that, beat the Wizard and beat the game.

Except you don't. Agahnim captures Zelda, kills her keeper, and sends you to the Dark World to leave you for dead. When you arrive, you're told by your guide to defeat the dungeons of the Dark World to free the sages, and then to defeat Ganon himself to save both the Dark World and Hyrule! From this point you fight, explore, and quest to save the Princess and reconfigure the Tri-Force. You build up this huge arsenal of weapons and open up more and more of the world, in a similar vein to Metroid.

This game includes a lot of items and mechanics that have stayed in the series all the way to today. The two biggest ones in my mind are the Hook Shot and the Pieces of Heart. The hook shot changes the way rooms are laid out and overcome. There are a lot of clever puzzle rooms where you can use the hook shot to clear gaps. The best example is the treasure cave in the Death Mountain section, where you have to hook onto the chests and vases to get to all of the treasure and make it back alive. It's a fun little room that rewards you for going though it. 

The pieces of heart were an innovation that did two things in my eyes. One, it made the world seem more full. In the original, you would occasionally find a cave or a section you could boat to that would have a full heart container. But, despite the map being large, there were only five containers that were hidden in the world. The rest you just got by going through the dungeons. In Zelda 2, you just used experience points to extend your health meter. In Link to the Past, The map was bigger; much bigger. So it needed more items to fill the world with to make it seem alive. So, the containers were split into fours. And instead of just being found, sometimes they are prizes for mini games. Sometimes you have to solve a puzzle to get them. It was more than just bombing the right wall. The hearts were cleverly hidden or blocked off by a puzzle. Or required a specific item to get.

The other thing this did was make the world worth exploring. I finished the original Legend of Zelda without two of the heart containers because I accidentally chose a potion instead of one of them. The other I just didn't bother finding it. When finding one fills the whole thing, it just seems less exciting. It's not worth it. But when you have to do four times the work to gain a heart container, it seems more worth it. I NEEDED these hearts in this game, so I ventured out, scanning everywhere. And that led me to find a bunch of items that ended up being important to the quest. I found the invincibility staff thinking that the spiked hallway leading to it secretly lead to a heart container. The bottle under the bridge I found for the same reason. I found the quake medallion thinking it was going to be a heart container. All of the exploration I did for hearts kept me from getting stuck later and made the game flow a lot smoother. The incentive of hearts kept me going. That said, I still ended up without two full containers, so there is even more of this game that I STILL haven't seen.

The bosses in this game are a VAST improvement from the original. Before, the boss fight basically consisted of hitting the boss with your sword until it died. Unless it was a dodongo, then you just fed it bombs until it died. This time around, Link can dispatch the bosses in a multitude of different ways. Sometimes the bosses have weaknesses a la Mega Man. Sometimes your arrows can vanquish something in one hit that would take you four hits with the swords. Sometimes you need to expose a weakness with an item. It's a trope that is common in the series now, but this was the first time it was seen. 

The final boss fight is excellent as well. Last time around, Ganon just sort of warped around the map being invisible and you had to hope you hit him so you could shoot him with the light arrow. This time around, he has an actual fight. With an actual pattern. And it's awesome. Everything about the fight is awesome. I don't want to give too much away, just in case someone else reading this ALSO waited 25 years to play this game. But I will say I love that instead of having to trek through an entire dungeon to fight Ganon again if you lose, you can just climb back to where you entered the fight and get right back to it.

Now don't let all this positivity fool you. I have some complaints. For one, the game is a little too hand holding. The map is nice for the features, but it labels where all of the dungeons are, which order you're supposed to take them in, and shows the whole route to them. This might just be personal preference, but it just seems a bit much to me, especially in comparison to the original. That's not to say that I mind being pointed in the right direction, but I think it should be a bit more hands off, And to be fair, the game does start doing more of that towards the end of it.

My other complaint, which is definitely personal preference, is that I'm not a fan of the pallet choices in the game. I liked the darker colours and tones of the original game and this one is a bit to bright and shiny for me. Even the Dark World goes for a cooler pallet than it should. It doesn't look so much dark as it does look like the fall season in Stardew Valley. Especially considering the tone of the game as a whole, the colourful environment just soured me a bit. That said, the game DOES look beautiful. The pixel work is stunning; everything is lush with detail. It's just not the direction I would have wanted them to go.

So, there you have it. Arguably the greatest SNES game of all time is, indeed, a great game. It looks great, sounds great, has a great story, and has some of the tightest controls of any 16-bit game ever. I loved every second of this game. I did have some complaints, but they are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things. This game deserves all of the praise it has gotten over the years, and I am going to give it a perfect 10 out of 10. If you have waited as long as I have to played this game, then please, seek it out and play it. It's as close to perfect as you can probably get.

The Zelda Project: Prologue

So, Legend of Zelda. It's, like, a pretty good game. It is exactly what the name states: a legend. One of the most iconic series in video game history! Aaaaaaaaaaaaand, up until I was in college i had never played one.

I'll let that sink in for everyone. We good? Okay, cool.

So, how does someone who loves video games SO much miss out on such an iconic franchise? I don't know, I guess i was just too busy playing Mega Man X and Super Metroid. Fantasy games never really intrigued me, and Zelda fell into that category for me. In fact, when I first got Super Smash Bros. for my N64, I didn't even know what game Link was from. The fact that he ended up being my main character, even above mah gurl Samus Aran, is sort of ironic in that regard. I didn't know what Ocarina of Time was, I had no idea why he was so prominent among characters that I KNEW like Mario and Donkey Kong. Hell, looking at the roster of the original game, it's between Link and Star Fox of who I cared about less, which to any other Nintendo fan would probably some sort of blasphemy.

Also this kid, whoever he is. Ninten or whatever? Who cares...

And, suddenly, in college, I was called out. Playing as Link in Super Smash Bros with my newly made friends, I was questioned for my opinion on the "best Zelda game". The faces of the people around when I said I had never played one made it seem like I made a Jesus joke in the middle of Jerusalem. And then I was told about how amazing these games were and that I needed to play Ocarina of Time to "earn" my right to play as Link. And sure, I had seen Ocarina on every "Top 100 Games Ever" list, but even as a man who loves his lists, I still take those things with a grain of salt. Hell, Undertale won a "Best Games Ever" list a couple months after it came out. Like, how do you judge something that soon? It's not like Star Wars was considered a classic the second it came out. It's only in hindsight that something is considered a masterpiece.

And, enough time has passed. and pretty much every Legend of Zelda game is considered a "Masterpiece" by a gamers. So I played Ocarina of Time. Aaaaaaaaaand, I hated it. I thought it was too wordy, too slow, ugly, clunky, and straight up boring. And the moment I THOUGHT it was about to become amazing, when I thought it was going to go through a drastic tonal shift, it just...doesn't. It's a bait and switch, but one that I'll get into when I play it again.

So, yeah, I was pretty disheartened with the whole thing. I was disappointed and even felt guilty that I used Link after having this revelation. So I thought "Man, there has to be SOME Zelda game I like"

So I played the first one. And I liked it. And then my old roommate, Jeff, made me play Zelda 2 with him. And I liked that one too. And then, when I got a Wii U, they gave me Wind Waker HD. And I LOVED it! And I bought a Link to The Past and played that. And it was...fine, I guess.

The problem with all of this is...I only finished one of them. Zelda 2 ended up being a lost cause, Link to The Past just didn't grasp me when I had Super Metroid and Marsbound or whatever that Lucas game is on the same system. And I got stuck in Wind Waker. So the only one I ever beat was the original.

But I loved a lot of things from the games I never finished. I liked the open oceans of Wind Waker. I loved the presentation of Link to the Past. I uh...played Zelda 2. 

Dick sword

Anyway, I liked them enough to get me to start collecting some of the Zelda games. Enough to get me to buy A Link Between Worlds and beat it and think it was absolutely amazing. And enough to get me hype for The Legend of Zelda: Breath of The Wild, an upcoming game that will be the first Zelda game I buy at launch. This brings me to the main point of all of this. This leads to what this is all about. 

The Zelda Project as I'm calling it is me playing and beating several Legend of Zelda games leading up to playing Breath of The Wild. The catch is, in addition to playing and beating the games, I'm going to review them. A couple of these will be first time plays for me, so they will be honest first impression takes. Others will be just finishing a game I'd never made it though.

This project will include the following games: The Legend of Zelda, A Link To The Past, Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, and Wind Waker. I may or may not be reviewing Breath of The Wild as well, and might do a write up on A Link Between Worlds, but it's up in the air right now. It's a project that I want to do to understand the hype behind these games; an outsiders perspective on what is so mesmerizing about a kid in a green tunic rescuing a princess. I want to feel what so many other people feel about these games. I want to understand what I missed out on as a kid and find out if that magic is still there for an adult to enjoy their first time. No nostalgia, just pure first (or, in some cases, second) impressions. But, i'm getting ahead of myself. As for now, I urge you to stay tuned. The first review will be coming this coming Thursday (February 23rd)! And I'm really excited about it.

The Zelda Project Part 1: The Legend of Zelda

Now, this is gonna be strange to write, because despite playing games and having opinions of them, I've not really looked into something in a reviewers standpoint. So, I'm going to do my best to step into that role and find actual criticism of the games.

Anyway, ahem... The Legend of Zelda! The granddaddy of all fantasy adventure games, and let me tell you: it's earned it's reputation. The original Legend of Zelda, released in 1986, has one of the grandest scales of any game in it's generation. You have to think back to what else was around at the time. You had Super Mario, Mega Man, Castlevania, and other games of that nature. All of those games are, for the most part, linear experiences. Zelda, on the other hand, gave you the option to go wherever, whenever. The map was MASSIVE at the time and even today, if you don't pay enough attention, you can lose yourself in it.

The game starts out with a small description screen telling you the story. You are "______" (AKA Link), a green clad avatar looking to save Princess Zelda from the clutches of the dark lord Ganon. You must fight, explore, and survive long enough to collect the 9 scattered pieces of the Tri-Force, a totem that will grant the holder a wish.

This is a DEEP story for a game like this. And this is before a game like Ninja Gaiden came out that had those simple cutscenes to show you these story bits. You see kids, back before there where 10 minute long mini-movies in your games to dump a bunch of world-building imagery on you, you had these things called Manuals that came with your game. In it, it would give you a bunch of information on the characters, the lore of the world, how to do things, the items you can use. It's also where credits for the games were. Now days, a game skips all of this and just shoves it into the game. But, Zelda hits a happy medium. If you stay on the title screen long enough, the game gives you the synopsis and some of the items you'll be using in the game.

Then you start it up, and you're just in the game. You find your sword in the cave, on one of the most famous screens in gaming history and then you are on your adventure.

Yeah, just give a kid a sword. What could go wrong?

This is where some people either love or hate the game. You see, there is a small mini map on the overworld. But, unlike in games that would come later like in Super Metroid or even Link to the Past, it has no detail. It's just a block. And not even like in the dungeons where it at least shows where you've gone. This makes navigation a chore, but thinking about it, there isn't much the developers would have been able to do. People argue that this makes the game cryptic, what with the overworld relying on you memorizing your routes or making your own map. But honestly, that kind of makes the adventure for me. And it's not like the main screen map is useless, it at least gives you and idea of where you are. And it works like a grid, so you can tell how far you've moved from the starting area if you pay attention.

Another thing people have commented on is that the game doesn't do a good job of explaing things. This is, again, a criticism that the game is really cryptic. There's a lot of "well, how was I supposed to figure that out?" moments in the game. And, to be honest, I can understand that to an extent. There are moments that rely heavily on your attention to detail and your determination with bombing every spot on the map that could even slightly have a potential doorway behind it.

This game, being the first of course, introduces what are known widely known tropes of the Zelda franchise. As mentioned above, bombing stuff can open pathways. The game shows you this by having you fight enemies that take bombs to kill and stick close to the walls, eventually blowing a hole in it you can move though. In dungeons, these are indicated with cracks on the wall. In the overworld, that shit could be anywhere. In addition to that, in dungeons, you get items. Bombs, arrows, boomerangs, a...raft. This seems like a "duh" kind of thing, but in the dungeons, when you get these items, most of them defeat the boss of that area. It's clever even today, and most of the world builds around these items. You need them to beat certain enemies and to get to secret areas. Like in Mega Man, some enemies in the game are weaker to attacks besides the sword, and you have to experiment with different things to figure out what works where.

Adventure is, of course, the biggest part of this game. You NEED to venture off the beaten path to find certain items. Fairy Fountains, the sword upgrades, pieces of hearts, and even a few key items are scattered throughout the overworld. Exploration is key, and even lost exploration can help you find your way. Going into certain rooms gives you hints as to where to go next or where to go later.

One of my favorite things about the game is that, if you are good enough, you can tackled the dungeons in any order you want. You can accidentally stumble into the level-6 dungeon looking for the level-2 dungeon. I wouldn't recommend it, but it is an option. In addition, after the first quest, there is a second quest option. Personally, I haven't tried this one because i've had bad expereinces with the 2nd quest in games like Castlevania that makes me avoid the new game plus experience in most games.

So, the final fight requires you to find items that are off the beaten path, and is a really, REALLY difficult area in the game. It's hard to get to the dungeon, it's hard to get through the dungeon, and when you get to the boss fight itself, everything is super tense. The fight itself if blase, but it's a pretty good capstone of the game mostly because the dungeon is a gauntlet of torturous trials. And finally defeating Ganon and saving Zelda is super triumphant.

On my first playthough, I was able to beat it on my own with no help from a guide. Through sheer determination, I was able to collect nearly everything, find my way to the end, and beat the bosses no problem. Replaying it for this project, I used a guide a couple of times when I got stuck, mostly to find items like the Red Ring and the Magic Sword that were more challenging to find and to make sure I hadn't passed over them. It is a really, REALLY challenging game, though not impossible if you are good at picking up patterns and are willing to be patient. 

Overall I give the original Legend of Zelda a 8 out of 10. It's a classic that still holds up today and is a must play for lovers of the series. And, it's a great starting point for those trying to get into the series.

Dean's Top 10 Movies of 2016

2016 was a shitty, shitty year in a lot of regards. We lost a lot of legendary people, from David Bowie to John Glenn. Pokemon Go had the fastest rise and fall of any global phenomenon since the Furby. Shootings, scandals, Brock Turner, and to top it all off, we had an election that looked straight out of a horrible reality show. It's been a crazy year

But, not all is bad with the world. In fact there has been a lot of good done. That ALS Ice Bucket Challenge everyone thought was so stupid actually raised the funds for a breakthrough in ALS research. The Giant Panda has officially been taken off the endangered species list, the world record for Planting Trees was broken in India, with people planting almost 50 MILLION trees!

Side Note, subscribe to R/UpliftingNews on Reddit. It'll change your outlook on life

Now, what does any of that have to do with movies? Well, nothing really, other than that this was a GREAT year for movies. You had the return of R-Rated horror films to the top of the box office, another stellar year for super hero movies, more great animated movies, and just a ton of great films. So, we're gonna go at this again this year. Again, it only includes movies i saw so if i missed one you like, convince me to see it. I won't revise the list, but I'd be interested regardless.

Number 10: Star Wars: Rogue One

Starring K-2SO, the greatest Star Wars Character Ever

It was a toss up of weather or not I was going to put this or Doctor Strange on the list. The first Star Wars movie set in the universe but without most of the iconic characters was a risky move. Fans that love the lore and settings will go crazy over it. Everyone else will probably be bored for about 25 minutes and then start caring when the Death Star shows up.

I don't have a whole lot to say in either direction about this movie, but the positives I have far outweigh any negatives. For one, Donny Yen and Jiang Wen steal this movie with their character dynamic. Yen plays Chirrut Imwe, a blind man who is a devout force believer. Wen plays Baze Malbus, a heavy gunner from the rebel alliance. Baze writes off Chirrut's abilities and skills as luck, saying without him, Chirrut would die. Their character interactions and scenes were great.

The movie also did a great job of making something in the universe I really didn't care about (how Leia gets the Death Star plans in Episode IV) into an interesting spectacle. It introduced a TON of new characters that I can't say are all completely interesting, but fit into the narrative well enough. And, the characters are all expendable, so that meant the writers didn't have to shoehorn in a happy ending to a movie about a suicide mission.

And finally, this movie features the single greatest character in Star Wars universe history, K-2SO. If you had told me going into this that the best written character in a Star Wars movie would be an analysis droid, I would have laughed in your face until you left. But it's true, the best character arc in not only this movie, but probably all Star Wars Cinema is K-2SO, the sarcastic asshole droid who want's to fight, but is "just an analysis droid". He saves the two main characters lives TWICE (arguably three times if you count his big moment in the end). His initial distrust of Jyn (the female lead) and him giving her the best compliment an analysis droid can before shining brighter than any other character in this movie was incredible, and really served to cement this movie on this list.

Number 9: Don't Breathe

Don't bling, don't think, just go go go go...........sorry

Horror movies are great. They are responsible for some of the best movies in history. The tropes of horror movies bleed into other genres. Suspense, gore, tension...ahhh! I love horror movies so much. And it has been a long, LONG time since a really good, original horror movie has come out.

Don't Breathe is the first time since Saw that I remember actually seeing something in a horror movie and being really impressed by the suspense. The "perfect crime" story is a great set up, and the movie that follows is interesting, engaging, and actually chilling at a couple of parts. It's full of twists and has one of the coolest scenes this side of the blood rain from the Evil Dead remake. The lights go out, the characters pupils dilate, and the movie goes to another level with the tension.

If you missed this one in theaters, go out of your way to see it. It's horror done right.

Number 8: Sausage Party

Sex

It's a 100 minute joke about sex. And it's glorious. Never have I seen a movie go from an A- to an A+ so fast. 

More importantly than it being a long wiener joke (hehe), it is surprisingly a movie with good social commentary on religion, sexuality, and acceptance. All covered in dick jokes. I LOVED this movie, probably more than I should have. Seth Rogan, Kirsten Wigg, and Michael Cera lead one of the best comedic ensembles you're going to find, the visuals of the supermarket at times mirror a Disney movie and other times look like Animal House, And it has, depending on who you talk to, the best or worst ending in cinema history.

Definitely not a movie for kids, but it is a must see if you like your comedy raunchy but with a message that it's not too preachy about.

Number 7: Zootopia

My fursona is tingling

Now, on the complete opposite spectrum, let's talk about Zootopia. Disney brought their A-Game this year. Moana was a fantastic movie, Pixar's Finding Dory was great as well. But neither of them compare to Zootopia. A movie about following your dreams, learning to accept people as who they are, and proving that Shakira can not only transcend language, but also species and still be amazing.

Now kids, Try Everything doesn't mean EVERYTHING

Judy Hopps is a lovable cop trying to get her foot in the door as the first bunny police officer by solving the case of a missing otter. The cast is great, with Idris Alba being the angry police chief being a real stand out. The settings are stunning, with the song montage driving us through all the different sections of Zootopia being one of the best scenes. It isn't as magical as most Disney movies, but the grounding in reality allows Disney to pull a Sausage Party and be a social commentary on race issues; a topic Disney doesn't have a rich history with and something that's nice to see them attempt.

This isn't going to set the world on fire like Frozen did, but it's nice to see Disney make a grounded film that features animals again. Also, please...more Shakira in movies.

Number 6: Deadpool

First. R-Rated. Comic Book Movie. EVER.

This was a really good year for movies in general, but this was an AMAZING year for comic book movies.

"But Dean! What about Suicide Squad?!"

Okay, um...it was an amazing year for MARVEL based comic book movies.

"But Dean! What about X-Men: Age of Apocalypse?!"

Um...Well, it...

So Deadpool was really good. Better than it had any right to be, honestly. Deapool is annoying. And more importantly, Deadpool fans are really, REALLY annoying with their love of the character. And honestly, Deadpool as a character should not work as the main focus of a movie. Which is why he's hardly in this movie as Deadpool. Instead, the movie takes it's time setting up the character and LEADING to the big pay off of seeing Deadpool in all his glory. 

I don't really want to exaggerate here, but I wanted Deadpool to be a huge bomb. Like, a make-no-money failure the likes of The Adventures of Pluto Nash. But, somehow, Fox must have hired a writer that cared about what they were producing for once and made a charming, "totally revolutionary, never done before, unbelievably edgy" R-Rated comic book movie. And it's really good almost despite itself. It's certainly the best Non-Marvel offering since The Dark Knight Rises and pretty much single-handedly saved Fox's super hero genre films from looking like complete failures over and over again.

Number 5: We Are X

I have nothing witty here...this movie just makes me happy-sad

Let me ask you some questions, dear readers. Do you like Rock Music? Do you like triumph and tragedy? Do you love hearing real life stories that sound so unbelievably false that you gasp at the fact that this shit is actually real? Then do I have a film for you.

We Are X covers the honestly tragic history of the band X-Japan, a Japanese metal band that literally changed the way Japan views music. Think what the Beatles did for pop, but with way bigger hair, way heavier drums, and a hell of a lot more sadness

FYI, these are all men

For those curious as to what wacky things happened in these men's lives to justify this film, let me try to break this down as simply as I can without droning. Here goes:

The leader/Drummer/Keyboardist Yoshiki was born with fragile bones that should have resulted in his death as a child, but has somehow lived to be 40 years old. He walked in on his dad shortly after he committed suicide and only has one photograph of him because his mother burned all of her husbands belongings believing him to be possessed by a demon. He started playing drums to stop himself from killing himself like his dad and formed X (or, in america, X-Japan) with his best friend Toshi. They became a huge success in Japan and made it their goals to play in America. Well, somewhere down the line, Toshi got brainwashed by a cult and left the band, crushing all of their dreams. Shortly after, the guitarist Hide (stylized hide.) died, prompting several Japanese people to commit suicide over their loss. Yoshiki, unwilling to let his band's dream die, reforms X with a now un-brainwashed Toshi and sets off for America in hide.'s honor, despite now living in literal constant pain from (I shit you not) rocking too hard for his body to handle.

It's a movie that managed to tell the story of a band that arguably should be one of the biggest bands in the world that honestly nobody outside of America really knew. Even as a fan of the band, my bias is taken out when considering how well put together the documentary is. And, again, despite being a fan, I had no idea about most of the backstory of the band. It is a roller coaster of emotions that I'm glad I got to watch with only one other person in the theater. If you somehow get the chance to see this movie, do it. Watch it and take inspiration from their story.

Number 4: The Revenant

OSCAR AWARD WINNING ACTOR LEONARDO DiCAPRIO

Let's get this out of the way: If we are being REALLY technical, this movie sort of came out in 2015. BUT, I am not one for technicalities. It got it's wide release in 2016 and I couldn't include it last year, so it's here. 

This is the movie that taught me that sometimes you don't need to make everything in a film a ceremony. Sometimes, things just need to be brutal. When I woke up this past January and went to the theater, the thought of "I wonder what it would look like if Leonardo DiCaprio got mauled by a bear" didn't really cross my mind. Nor had it before I saw this movie. But I will remember forever.

This movie follows the batshit insane (somewhat) true story of Hugh Glass as he literally rose from the dead to get revenge of the man who left him to die in the first place. The acting in the movie is impeccable, with Tom Hardy being amazing as always and Leo really earning his Oscar in this one. The post-colonial America setting is brought to life so beautifully, showing off the stunning wilderness surrounding the camps and villages. And the bear scene. Jesus. It is, without a doubt, the BEST movie on this list, but this isn't about being the best. While I loved this movie, I didn't have the emotional connection to it that I have for the top three movies. It's a bit too serious for my entertainment levels. THAT BEING SAID, make sure you see this movie at least once because it is incredible.

Number 3: Kubo & The Two Strings

Kubo & The Two Strings isn't just my favorite animated movie this year. It might be my favorite animated movie of all time now. I don't think a kids movie has ever hit me so hard with it's beauty in the holy trinity of film: writing, visuals, and sound. I have not seen the other Laika movies (though believe me, I will be after seeing this), but the amount of detail put into this stop motion movie is nothing short of awe inspiring. Just the visual of the ocean in this movie brings tears to my eyes. The soundtrack is mystifying, including a hauntingly beautful rendition of my favorite Beatles song ever written, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, performed by Regina Spector; a performence that gave me goosebumps from the opening notes to the outro.

And the writing...damn, where do I even begin. This movie is dark for a children's movie; not dark in the sense that it's too much for a kid to handle, but it's very mature. And that maturity only adds to the film as a whole. Kubo's journey to defeat the Moon to save himself, get revenge for his eye being taken, and avenge his fallen mother is engrossing, enchanting, and inspiring. It's everything a movie like this should be: an epic, sprawling adventure that shows growth for all of it's characters. I laughed, I cried, and I fell in love with stop motion all over again. It's truly a shame that this movie BARELY made back it's budget and I hope that it's home media releases boost this into the legendary status that I think it deservse.

Number 2: Captain America: Civil War

#TeamCap

Do I even need to write a description here? Somehow, Marvel manages to weave a complicated plot, involving the introduction of The Black Panther and THE GREATEST SPIDER-MAN IN HISTORY, 10 or so main characters, a literal war between super heroes, and still manages to make it a Captain America movie. Sure, The Incredibles' did the whole "people turn on the heroes" plot, but I'd argue that this amazingly manages to be better than that. Which is saying something because The Incredibles is a flawless movie.

What gets me the most about all of this is how many genre's the Captain America movies have managed to cover. The first one was a period drama about a comic book character. The second was an espionage thriller about a comic book charicter. Captain America: Civil War is a straight up, unapologetic, action movie. And god does it do it well.

Everyone puts in stellar performances, with Chadwick Boseman and Tom Holland making excellent debuts and cementing themselves as stars. The fight scenes are some of the best you are going to find in a Hollywood Blockbuster, with the chase scene between Winter Soldier, Black Panther, and Captain America being a non-stop thrill ride. I could go on and on and on and gush about how amazing they did a storyline that I really didn't think could work as a movie. And after the disaster that was X-Men: Days of Future Past, I was genuinely scared that this movie would be an absolute shit show. But, through Disney's magic touch, this pulled out another win for Marvel studios.

Now, what could possibly top that?

Number 1: Sing Street

Spoilers: It's this

Surprise! It's a musical, coming-of-age comedy drama set in the 80's in Ireland that nobody saw in theaters. Now, if that sounds uninteresting to you, join the club. I heard the premise of this movie (boy starts a band to impress a girl) and thought "wow...how lame."

Then I saw the reviews, and read about everyone loving it so, so much. And I thought "wow...these people must be out of their minds."

Then I watched it. And they were all right. There isn't a whole lot to give away here. The boy, Connor, is an outcast suffering through his parents marriage falling apart, takes solace in music he's introduced to by his brother. He sees the girl, Raphina, and tries to win her over with music. And the journey from there is just beautiful. You see the kids grow together, find themselves, and find each other. The soundtrack is unbelievable, to the point that it's still on repeat on my phone a month later. And the soundtrack is a MAJOR part of this movie because they are about the characters. Connor writes the songs about Raphina, his position in life, and the world around him. For an example, the ballad To Find You is beautiful in it's own right, but knowing about the characters the songs about adds another layer to the beauty. The growth of Connor through the movie is a masterclass in writing characters. 

I adore this movie. A movie so good that I went out of my way to tell people to watch it. A movie so good that it made me want to go out and accomplish something. A movie so good that I looked at these characters and saw reflections of myself and people I know. It's real and raw, but still has the fantasy element that every dreamer has. And that's why it's my favorite movie of 2016. Go out of your way to see it. It's on Netflix and is 10,000% worth the watch.

Happy New Year everyone

The Amazing Spider-Man: Do I Still Hate It Four Years Later?

So, lets not beat around the bush here. I have been vehement in my hatred of the Amazing Spider-Man “franchise” (if two movies can possibly count as a franchise); specifically the first one. I think they are an exercise in abusing a name to make money and, while they did try to do something different by introducing a plot that basically made Peter Parker destined to become Spider-Man because of a weird science plot involving his parents, it turned out to be a boring, bland mess that’s only real achievement is making Peter the snarky asshole that we wanted in the original trilogy while striping away the timelessness of the character by making him a skateboarding, Angry Birds playing “social outcast” the likes of which is only designed to resonate with teenagers going through their rebellious phase. But that’s kind of part of the problem. The whole thing that makes Peter Parker a great character isn’t is snarky attitude or his quips. It’s his humanity, his humility. He’s one kid going out to make a difference because he feels guilty over failing to do so in the past. But, from what I remember, this Peter is much less the timeless symbol for carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders while still trying to be a student, a boyfriend, an employee, and a nephew. It’s about modernizing a hero that doesn’t need to be modernized because the root of the character that literally anyone can relate to. Ever failed to live up to a responsibility? Bam! Spider-Man'd. As much as Peter Parker becomes Spider-Man to protect those who can’t protect themselves because he let Uncle Ben die, he is also doing it because he knows it’s the right thing to do. He realizes that when you have the power that he does, you should use them to make a difference. That goes for anything in any aspect of life.

So, some background, my Spider-Man was the Fox Kids cartoon show from the 90’s that a lot of people say is trash because of the censorship put on it by Fox and Marvel. This censorship was imposed to avoid the angry comments that they got from parents irate at Fox showing violence in shows like the X-Men cartoon and Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. Despite the show’s toned down violence (seriously, Spidey couldn’t even throw a punch in the show), the plot was pretty good and surprisingly holds up well today, even if Peter’s shirt is distinctly 90’s.

Yikes...

I had the toys, the clothing with his face all over it, pretty sure I even had the light up shoes, I read the comics…I was a Spider-Man fanatic, and still am, even if it’s more reserved today. Hell, my favorite wrestler became Rey Mysterio practically because of his resemblance of Spider-Man, including his kick ass Spider-Man costume. 

Above: My childhood

So, when the 2001 Spider-Man movie came out, you bet your ass I begged my Grandpa to take me to see it day one.

And it was amazing. I finally got to see my hero brought to life by a real person. I got to see him swing through the city. I got to see his costume fully realized, I costume I wore for Halloween at least 4 times. I got to see him fight a weirdly Power Rangers-esque Green Goblin. I got to see Mary Jane, Harry Osborn, Aunt May, Bruce Campbell. It was everything I ever wanted and more. And all it did was further my love. Then came another especially fantastic movie in Spider-Man 2, with that crazy ass train scene that is still in my opinion the best scene in any comic book movie ever. Suddenly, other superheroes were getting their time to shine. It wasn’t just the land of X-Men, Batman, and Spider-Man. The Hulk, Hellboy, Daredevil, V for Vendetta…they all got movies. What Blade and Men In Black started, Spider-Man revolutionized to the point where anything was fair game. And as exciting as all these heroes were, none of them matched my hype for Spider-Man 3.

And I love that movie dearly, even if I’m the only one and nobody agrees with me. But that’s not what this post is about. The Spider-Man and X-Men franchises eventually sparked the big box office success of the comic book movies, which of course led to the Marvel Movie empire. After Spider-Man 4 wound up in development hell thanks to the mixed reaction of Spider-Man 3, Sony decided that, to keep up with Marvel and Fox, they needed to pony up and reboot their money maker in a brand new Spider-Man movie. And once again, I was hyped, but to a much less extent. I have very fond memories of the first three movies, including the literal only tolerable Nickleback song ever written. Spider-Man is magical enough to even make Nickleback palatable.

But the more I heard about the movie, the less I cared. I’m not the biggest fan of the Lizard, I don’t really care about Peter’s parents (and really, who does?), and it was missing the characters that I was familiar with like Mary Jane and Harry Osborne. Instead, they went with Peter’s initial love interest, Gwen Stacy. In addition, they cast Andrew Garfield, who’s face I just want to punch over and over again. Dunno why, just something about him. This wasn’t the nerdy Peter that I had known and loved that still ended up getting the girl. This dude was man-pretty, and for some reason that bothered me, despite in recent years Peter being drawn much more…um…handsome?

Dem abs

So, 2012 rolled around and The Amazing Spider-Man was released. And, people liked it…I guess. I’ve heard people say that it’s better than the original trilogy and I’ve also heard it’s the downfall of comic book movies in general. Aggregate scores have it sitting around a 6/10, which isn’t as high as the original two movies, but is respectable. It also did really well in the box office. But none of that is neither here nor there. Fact of the matter is, I hated this movie when I first saw it. And I’ve only seen it once because of that hatred. It didn’t have the “Chipotle Effect”, in that when I first am subjected to it I dislike it, but later grow fond enough to buy it up to 3 times a week……………..

But yeah, you get it. I was a butthurt comic nerd who wasn’t receptive to change. Maybe I was just jaded and was looking through rose tinted glasses? Well, that’s not the case. I just rewatched the Sam Rami trilogy and they're still great. But at the same time, I rewatched the X-Men movies and realized that they were movies that were good for their time, but showed lots of age. So maybe I was just biased? That seems more plausible. Whatever the case, I wanted to figure it out for myself. So, I figured now would be the perfect time to revisit it and decide if I still think it’s a steaming pile of garbage or if I was just too critical four years ago when it was released. Was past me correct? Am I still butthurt? We’ll find out shortly.

*One day later*

So, it’s better than I thought. But I still don’t think it’s as good as the original Sam Rami Trilogy (Yes, even part 3). On the plus side, I did find a LOT more positive about the movie this time around than I did the first time I watched it. On the negative, the things that I disliked about the movie have only gotten worse with age.

For starters, I still personally don’t like Andrew Garfield. It’s nothing against how he plays the character, I just don’t like his face. It’s not even that he’s playing Peter Parker, it’s literally just his face. I realize that’s probably not the most legitimate complaint ever laid on this movie, but it still stands. He’s got a very punchable face. Which i guess makes the fact that he keeps the mask on most of the movie a plus. Tobey Maguire's tendency to pull the mask off at every given moment in the original Sam Rami movies was one of my few negatives for the movie.

.

Getting past that, my arguments of Andrew being a shitty Peter Parker are right out the window. While I loved Maguire playing dopey, nerdy, hopeless, and hapless Peter Parker, the staggeringly awkward portrayal here by Garfield is just as good and much closer to how people my age would remember Spidey. The sarcastic tones of Spider-Man Post 1970 really come to life in this movie. Sometimes in funny ways and other times in cringe inducing ways. Spidey is an asshole to his opposition, it’s a mental game he plays to get the upper hand. But it’s not normally as over the top as Spidey “cowering” in fear from a dude holding a knife. On the other hand, the banter he has with Dr. Connors, specifically during the fight scene inside the school, is great. Him threatening The Lizard while getting his ass kicked is great.

But, I digress, synopsis time! Starting from the beginning of the movie, we open with Peter’s parents going off to die (spoiler?) and them leaving him with his Uncle Ben and Aunt May. He goes to school, gets made fun of for no reason, gets scolded for skating indoors, gets punched and then goes home. What a day. When he gets home, he finds a briefcase his dad left before he left to die, identifying a dude named Dr. Curtis Connors as his dad's colleague.

Naturally, Peter goes to find him, gets bit by the now famous Radioactive Spider, and then BAM! Spider-Man. Well, sort of. What would a Spider-Man origin story be without Uncle Ben dying after giving the “With great power comes great responsibility” line before Peter disobeys that, letting the wrestling promoter get robbed by the dude who eventually kills Uncle Ben. Oh, what’s that? None of that happens? Uncle Ben doesn’t give the legendary speech that literally sets Peter up to become Spider-Man? And he doesn’t even wrestle Macho Man or anything? No? Okay…

Pictured: The REAL star of Spider-Man (2001)

Well, I can’t fault them for doing something different, which they did, and it’s…fine. It’s not as good as the original epicenter of his morality, but it gets the job done. As the story unfolds, we meet Captain George Stacy, played by Not Willem Dafoe (AKA Dennis Leary). In this movie, he plays the role of J. Jonah Jameson because reasons. For those that know anything about Captain Stacy, they know that Captain Stacy is one of the biggest advocate for what Spider-Man does, defending his vigilante justice. In this movie, he’s an asshole. Because we need someone to hate Spider-Man since nobody else can. Now, to be fair, I guess that in alternate universe stories, Stacy is less of a fan of Spider-Man, but y'know...that just like, whatever man.

Speaking of hating people for no reason, Dr. Connors, a lizard expert, is working on a thing to give humans traits that lizards have to regrow limbs. Like the arm he is missing. He’s doing it to cure Norman Osborne, AKA The Green Goblin, AKA he’s not in this movie. Osborne is dying of horrible Plot Device Disease (PDD), and Connors is under pressure to get this Lizard Science working on people. He and Peter (who’s a genius, btw) figure out a way to make it work on mice, and Connors injects himself because if he doesn’t, Osborne will have him killed.

This turns him into the abomination that is The Lizard. And he looks dumb. The design is not only disloyal to the classic look of the character (Alligator-like snout and tail, raptor looking legs…cloths…) and goes for a cross between the Ultimate Lizard and a the horrible face of the original design. Now, I know it’s not cool to be all “IT’S DIFFERENT AND I HATE IT!!” but…just look at it. It’s awful. The design is awful, the CGI is awful, and his motivation is awful.

I swear i didn't photoshop this

He suddenly goes from “I want to make people strong by having them overcome their handicap” to “I WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE STRONG BY MAKING THEM LIZARDS!!” which as a motivation reeks of them not having any idea on how to make the Lizard work. And it’s not hard man. Gators in the sewer, that’s how they did it in his origin. And this wouldn’t be a big deal if it had any weight to it. It’s too flimsy of a reason to be a villain; and in a series marred by poor motivation, this one is even worse than Electro’s in the sequel.

So, they battle a couple times, Captain Stacy is all like “Don’t date my daughter, brb, gonna die now”, they launch an antidote to a chemical weapon Connors is about to unleash and then Gwen Stacy (oh, by the way, she’s in this movie too) is all like “why didn’t you come do my dad’s funeral? Dick move man” and Peter’s all like “I can’t”. And then it’s over. It’s a decent flick with some flimsy as fuck storytelling and some truly awful CGI for a big budget Sony production, but in the end it’s fun enough to be good. 

However, the main problem I have with the whole movie is the choices it made to be different, not that it just is different. Yes, Gwen Stacy is the original love of Peter’s life. But to anyone that hasn’t read the 60’s and 70's comics or wasn’t even born around that time, the characters of Gwen and George Stacy have little draw to them. Mary Jane has been Peter’s wife in the comics since the 80’s and is in literally every media version of Spider-Man since. They chose The Lizard, one of Spider-Man’s oldest adversaries, they chose the Stacy’s, and they chose to change the origin. So, why choose old characters to draw in older comic fans and then make Peter a bumbling modern day douchebag skate punk that will only resonate with a younger audience? I get that the idea is to modernize Spider-Man and tell a story that hasn’t been told before, but there’s a reason that the story of Peter chasing his dead parent’s past hasn’t really been dwelled on much in the comics: nobody cares. And this movie does a poor job of making the viewer care. Hell, I didn’t mention Gwen in the entire synopsis because she’s almost useless in the movie really. Emma Stone does a great job playing her, and she does play a semi-pivitol role towards the climax, but she’s weightless in this movie. She has great, GREAT interactions with Garfield, and the two have so much chemistry you’d almost think they’d go on to date in real life.

Oh...

The point that i’m trying to get at here is that while the movie is trying to do something different, in doing so it loses the heart of what made the original story so great. Maybe I’m wrong, and older audiences who actually grew up reading The Amazing Spider-Man when it was serialized in the 60’s and 70’s loved the portrayals of the Stacy’s and the newer, hipper Peter Parker. It just seems like a bit of a bait and switch to me to get in long time Spider-Man fans who do love the older characters and wanted to see them portrayed like they remembered. Not only that, but they didn't even use the actual catalyst for Peter Parker becoming Spider-Man. Yeah, Uncle Ben dies, but there's not really that life lesson talk that makes Peter feel his remorse. Do you need to say "With great power comes great responsibility" explicitly to get the idea across? Of course not, but goddamn...Ben yells at him for not picking up Aunt May and then he dies and that's it. Peter's sad about it and then they move on. I think May is in the movie maybe twice after. And they don't call much attention to Ben being dead or it's effect on Peter. He gets mad once at a bully who comes to apologize and then we move on. And it sucks, because the dude that plays Uncle Ben is excellent in this movie! Him giving the speech would have been great! His interactions with Peter are great. He's a huge plus to this whole movie. And to see his performance and Ben's entire role in Peter's development wasted is sad. 

Once he dies, the responsibility thing kind of goes out the window. And that't the biggest problem. We don't see Peter constantly letting people down. We don't see the struggle to maintain balance in his life. He forgets to pick up Aunt May while Ben is still alive (which, how? Peter doesn't even have a car...) and he forgets eggs after he's dead. That's it. Losing the aspect of this as a job really takes a lot away from Peter. It's not showing him miss class to be Spider-Man, it's not showing him miss dates to be Spider-Man, it's not showing him missing out on family plans to be Spider-Man. There's no consequence to being Spider-Man on a personal level. And if you haven't been keeping track, that's the whole goddamn point. He's too busy skateboarding to have responsibilities. And i don't care if he did it in Tony Hawk, we don't need it in a movie set to Coldplay music!

Pictured: More of my childhood. Not Pictured: Coldplay music

But i don't want to end this on a huge complaint.On the flip side, we got the sarcastic asshole Spider-Man that a lot of people my age are more familiar with and complained was lacking in Sam Rami’s Spider-Man. The action is better, even if it does look downgraded from Spider-Man 3’s climax with Venom and Sandman, which I can say with 100 percent certainty, still holds up and is actually really impressive even 9 years later. The Indierific directing of Marc Webb actually helps this movie a lot because his strong suit is intimate interactions, which are plentiful and well done here. Watching the characters in this movie interact is great, especially Peter and Gwen.

It’s just a shame that this Spider-Man and his interactions aren't in a movie that actually lives up to its namesake. For everything positive the movie does, it does something else to undermine itself. It's not nearly as bad as I thought it was. Dare I say that The Amazing Spider-Man is actually pretty good. But one thing's for sure about it; it might be good, but it damn sure isn’t amazing.