The Zelda Project: Prologue

So, Legend of Zelda. It's, like, a pretty good game. It is exactly what the name states: a legend. One of the most iconic series in video game history! Aaaaaaaaaaaaand, up until I was in college i had never played one.

I'll let that sink in for everyone. We good? Okay, cool.

So, how does someone who loves video games SO much miss out on such an iconic franchise? I don't know, I guess i was just too busy playing Mega Man X and Super Metroid. Fantasy games never really intrigued me, and Zelda fell into that category for me. In fact, when I first got Super Smash Bros. for my N64, I didn't even know what game Link was from. The fact that he ended up being my main character, even above mah gurl Samus Aran, is sort of ironic in that regard. I didn't know what Ocarina of Time was, I had no idea why he was so prominent among characters that I KNEW like Mario and Donkey Kong. Hell, looking at the roster of the original game, it's between Link and Star Fox of who I cared about less, which to any other Nintendo fan would probably some sort of blasphemy.

Also this kid, whoever he is. Ninten or whatever? Who cares...

And, suddenly, in college, I was called out. Playing as Link in Super Smash Bros with my newly made friends, I was questioned for my opinion on the "best Zelda game". The faces of the people around when I said I had never played one made it seem like I made a Jesus joke in the middle of Jerusalem. And then I was told about how amazing these games were and that I needed to play Ocarina of Time to "earn" my right to play as Link. And sure, I had seen Ocarina on every "Top 100 Games Ever" list, but even as a man who loves his lists, I still take those things with a grain of salt. Hell, Undertale won a "Best Games Ever" list a couple months after it came out. Like, how do you judge something that soon? It's not like Star Wars was considered a classic the second it came out. It's only in hindsight that something is considered a masterpiece.

And, enough time has passed. and pretty much every Legend of Zelda game is considered a "Masterpiece" by a gamers. So I played Ocarina of Time. Aaaaaaaaaand, I hated it. I thought it was too wordy, too slow, ugly, clunky, and straight up boring. And the moment I THOUGHT it was about to become amazing, when I thought it was going to go through a drastic tonal shift, it just...doesn't. It's a bait and switch, but one that I'll get into when I play it again.

So, yeah, I was pretty disheartened with the whole thing. I was disappointed and even felt guilty that I used Link after having this revelation. So I thought "Man, there has to be SOME Zelda game I like"

So I played the first one. And I liked it. And then my old roommate, Jeff, made me play Zelda 2 with him. And I liked that one too. And then, when I got a Wii U, they gave me Wind Waker HD. And I LOVED it! And I bought a Link to The Past and played that. And it was...fine, I guess.

The problem with all of this is...I only finished one of them. Zelda 2 ended up being a lost cause, Link to The Past just didn't grasp me when I had Super Metroid and Marsbound or whatever that Lucas game is on the same system. And I got stuck in Wind Waker. So the only one I ever beat was the original.

But I loved a lot of things from the games I never finished. I liked the open oceans of Wind Waker. I loved the presentation of Link to the Past. I uh...played Zelda 2. 

Dick sword

Anyway, I liked them enough to get me to start collecting some of the Zelda games. Enough to get me to buy A Link Between Worlds and beat it and think it was absolutely amazing. And enough to get me hype for The Legend of Zelda: Breath of The Wild, an upcoming game that will be the first Zelda game I buy at launch. This brings me to the main point of all of this. This leads to what this is all about. 

The Zelda Project as I'm calling it is me playing and beating several Legend of Zelda games leading up to playing Breath of The Wild. The catch is, in addition to playing and beating the games, I'm going to review them. A couple of these will be first time plays for me, so they will be honest first impression takes. Others will be just finishing a game I'd never made it though.

This project will include the following games: The Legend of Zelda, A Link To The Past, Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, and Wind Waker. I may or may not be reviewing Breath of The Wild as well, and might do a write up on A Link Between Worlds, but it's up in the air right now. It's a project that I want to do to understand the hype behind these games; an outsiders perspective on what is so mesmerizing about a kid in a green tunic rescuing a princess. I want to feel what so many other people feel about these games. I want to understand what I missed out on as a kid and find out if that magic is still there for an adult to enjoy their first time. No nostalgia, just pure first (or, in some cases, second) impressions. But, i'm getting ahead of myself. As for now, I urge you to stay tuned. The first review will be coming this coming Thursday (February 23rd)! And I'm really excited about it.

The Zelda Project Part 1: The Legend of Zelda

Now, this is gonna be strange to write, because despite playing games and having opinions of them, I've not really looked into something in a reviewers standpoint. So, I'm going to do my best to step into that role and find actual criticism of the games.

Anyway, ahem... The Legend of Zelda! The granddaddy of all fantasy adventure games, and let me tell you: it's earned it's reputation. The original Legend of Zelda, released in 1986, has one of the grandest scales of any game in it's generation. You have to think back to what else was around at the time. You had Super Mario, Mega Man, Castlevania, and other games of that nature. All of those games are, for the most part, linear experiences. Zelda, on the other hand, gave you the option to go wherever, whenever. The map was MASSIVE at the time and even today, if you don't pay enough attention, you can lose yourself in it.

The game starts out with a small description screen telling you the story. You are "______" (AKA Link), a green clad avatar looking to save Princess Zelda from the clutches of the dark lord Ganon. You must fight, explore, and survive long enough to collect the 9 scattered pieces of the Tri-Force, a totem that will grant the holder a wish.

This is a DEEP story for a game like this. And this is before a game like Ninja Gaiden came out that had those simple cutscenes to show you these story bits. You see kids, back before there where 10 minute long mini-movies in your games to dump a bunch of world-building imagery on you, you had these things called Manuals that came with your game. In it, it would give you a bunch of information on the characters, the lore of the world, how to do things, the items you can use. It's also where credits for the games were. Now days, a game skips all of this and just shoves it into the game. But, Zelda hits a happy medium. If you stay on the title screen long enough, the game gives you the synopsis and some of the items you'll be using in the game.

Then you start it up, and you're just in the game. You find your sword in the cave, on one of the most famous screens in gaming history and then you are on your adventure.

Yeah, just give a kid a sword. What could go wrong?

This is where some people either love or hate the game. You see, there is a small mini map on the overworld. But, unlike in games that would come later like in Super Metroid or even Link to the Past, it has no detail. It's just a block. And not even like in the dungeons where it at least shows where you've gone. This makes navigation a chore, but thinking about it, there isn't much the developers would have been able to do. People argue that this makes the game cryptic, what with the overworld relying on you memorizing your routes or making your own map. But honestly, that kind of makes the adventure for me. And it's not like the main screen map is useless, it at least gives you and idea of where you are. And it works like a grid, so you can tell how far you've moved from the starting area if you pay attention.

Another thing people have commented on is that the game doesn't do a good job of explaing things. This is, again, a criticism that the game is really cryptic. There's a lot of "well, how was I supposed to figure that out?" moments in the game. And, to be honest, I can understand that to an extent. There are moments that rely heavily on your attention to detail and your determination with bombing every spot on the map that could even slightly have a potential doorway behind it.

This game, being the first of course, introduces what are known widely known tropes of the Zelda franchise. As mentioned above, bombing stuff can open pathways. The game shows you this by having you fight enemies that take bombs to kill and stick close to the walls, eventually blowing a hole in it you can move though. In dungeons, these are indicated with cracks on the wall. In the overworld, that shit could be anywhere. In addition to that, in dungeons, you get items. Bombs, arrows, boomerangs, a...raft. This seems like a "duh" kind of thing, but in the dungeons, when you get these items, most of them defeat the boss of that area. It's clever even today, and most of the world builds around these items. You need them to beat certain enemies and to get to secret areas. Like in Mega Man, some enemies in the game are weaker to attacks besides the sword, and you have to experiment with different things to figure out what works where.

Adventure is, of course, the biggest part of this game. You NEED to venture off the beaten path to find certain items. Fairy Fountains, the sword upgrades, pieces of hearts, and even a few key items are scattered throughout the overworld. Exploration is key, and even lost exploration can help you find your way. Going into certain rooms gives you hints as to where to go next or where to go later.

One of my favorite things about the game is that, if you are good enough, you can tackled the dungeons in any order you want. You can accidentally stumble into the level-6 dungeon looking for the level-2 dungeon. I wouldn't recommend it, but it is an option. In addition, after the first quest, there is a second quest option. Personally, I haven't tried this one because i've had bad expereinces with the 2nd quest in games like Castlevania that makes me avoid the new game plus experience in most games.

So, the final fight requires you to find items that are off the beaten path, and is a really, REALLY difficult area in the game. It's hard to get to the dungeon, it's hard to get through the dungeon, and when you get to the boss fight itself, everything is super tense. The fight itself if blase, but it's a pretty good capstone of the game mostly because the dungeon is a gauntlet of torturous trials. And finally defeating Ganon and saving Zelda is super triumphant.

On my first playthough, I was able to beat it on my own with no help from a guide. Through sheer determination, I was able to collect nearly everything, find my way to the end, and beat the bosses no problem. Replaying it for this project, I used a guide a couple of times when I got stuck, mostly to find items like the Red Ring and the Magic Sword that were more challenging to find and to make sure I hadn't passed over them. It is a really, REALLY challenging game, though not impossible if you are good at picking up patterns and are willing to be patient. 

Overall I give the original Legend of Zelda a 8 out of 10. It's a classic that still holds up today and is a must play for lovers of the series. And, it's a great starting point for those trying to get into the series.

Dean's Top 10 Movies of 2016

2016 was a shitty, shitty year in a lot of regards. We lost a lot of legendary people, from David Bowie to John Glenn. Pokemon Go had the fastest rise and fall of any global phenomenon since the Furby. Shootings, scandals, Brock Turner, and to top it all off, we had an election that looked straight out of a horrible reality show. It's been a crazy year

But, not all is bad with the world. In fact there has been a lot of good done. That ALS Ice Bucket Challenge everyone thought was so stupid actually raised the funds for a breakthrough in ALS research. The Giant Panda has officially been taken off the endangered species list, the world record for Planting Trees was broken in India, with people planting almost 50 MILLION trees!

Side Note, subscribe to R/UpliftingNews on Reddit. It'll change your outlook on life

Now, what does any of that have to do with movies? Well, nothing really, other than that this was a GREAT year for movies. You had the return of R-Rated horror films to the top of the box office, another stellar year for super hero movies, more great animated movies, and just a ton of great films. So, we're gonna go at this again this year. Again, it only includes movies i saw so if i missed one you like, convince me to see it. I won't revise the list, but I'd be interested regardless.

Number 10: Star Wars: Rogue One

Starring K-2SO, the greatest Star Wars Character Ever

It was a toss up of weather or not I was going to put this or Doctor Strange on the list. The first Star Wars movie set in the universe but without most of the iconic characters was a risky move. Fans that love the lore and settings will go crazy over it. Everyone else will probably be bored for about 25 minutes and then start caring when the Death Star shows up.

I don't have a whole lot to say in either direction about this movie, but the positives I have far outweigh any negatives. For one, Donny Yen and Jiang Wen steal this movie with their character dynamic. Yen plays Chirrut Imwe, a blind man who is a devout force believer. Wen plays Baze Malbus, a heavy gunner from the rebel alliance. Baze writes off Chirrut's abilities and skills as luck, saying without him, Chirrut would die. Their character interactions and scenes were great.

The movie also did a great job of making something in the universe I really didn't care about (how Leia gets the Death Star plans in Episode IV) into an interesting spectacle. It introduced a TON of new characters that I can't say are all completely interesting, but fit into the narrative well enough. And, the characters are all expendable, so that meant the writers didn't have to shoehorn in a happy ending to a movie about a suicide mission.

And finally, this movie features the single greatest character in Star Wars universe history, K-2SO. If you had told me going into this that the best written character in a Star Wars movie would be an analysis droid, I would have laughed in your face until you left. But it's true, the best character arc in not only this movie, but probably all Star Wars Cinema is K-2SO, the sarcastic asshole droid who want's to fight, but is "just an analysis droid". He saves the two main characters lives TWICE (arguably three times if you count his big moment in the end). His initial distrust of Jyn (the female lead) and him giving her the best compliment an analysis droid can before shining brighter than any other character in this movie was incredible, and really served to cement this movie on this list.

Number 9: Don't Breathe

Don't bling, don't think, just go go go go...........sorry

Horror movies are great. They are responsible for some of the best movies in history. The tropes of horror movies bleed into other genres. Suspense, gore, tension...ahhh! I love horror movies so much. And it has been a long, LONG time since a really good, original horror movie has come out.

Don't Breathe is the first time since Saw that I remember actually seeing something in a horror movie and being really impressed by the suspense. The "perfect crime" story is a great set up, and the movie that follows is interesting, engaging, and actually chilling at a couple of parts. It's full of twists and has one of the coolest scenes this side of the blood rain from the Evil Dead remake. The lights go out, the characters pupils dilate, and the movie goes to another level with the tension.

If you missed this one in theaters, go out of your way to see it. It's horror done right.

Number 8: Sausage Party

Sex

It's a 100 minute joke about sex. And it's glorious. Never have I seen a movie go from an A- to an A+ so fast. 

More importantly than it being a long wiener joke (hehe), it is surprisingly a movie with good social commentary on religion, sexuality, and acceptance. All covered in dick jokes. I LOVED this movie, probably more than I should have. Seth Rogan, Kirsten Wigg, and Michael Cera lead one of the best comedic ensembles you're going to find, the visuals of the supermarket at times mirror a Disney movie and other times look like Animal House, And it has, depending on who you talk to, the best or worst ending in cinema history.

Definitely not a movie for kids, but it is a must see if you like your comedy raunchy but with a message that it's not too preachy about.

Number 7: Zootopia

My fursona is tingling

Now, on the complete opposite spectrum, let's talk about Zootopia. Disney brought their A-Game this year. Moana was a fantastic movie, Pixar's Finding Dory was great as well. But neither of them compare to Zootopia. A movie about following your dreams, learning to accept people as who they are, and proving that Shakira can not only transcend language, but also species and still be amazing.

Now kids, Try Everything doesn't mean EVERYTHING

Judy Hopps is a lovable cop trying to get her foot in the door as the first bunny police officer by solving the case of a missing otter. The cast is great, with Idris Alba being the angry police chief being a real stand out. The settings are stunning, with the song montage driving us through all the different sections of Zootopia being one of the best scenes. It isn't as magical as most Disney movies, but the grounding in reality allows Disney to pull a Sausage Party and be a social commentary on race issues; a topic Disney doesn't have a rich history with and something that's nice to see them attempt.

This isn't going to set the world on fire like Frozen did, but it's nice to see Disney make a grounded film that features animals again. Also, please...more Shakira in movies.

Number 6: Deadpool

First. R-Rated. Comic Book Movie. EVER.

This was a really good year for movies in general, but this was an AMAZING year for comic book movies.

"But Dean! What about Suicide Squad?!"

Okay, um...it was an amazing year for MARVEL based comic book movies.

"But Dean! What about X-Men: Age of Apocalypse?!"

Um...Well, it...

So Deadpool was really good. Better than it had any right to be, honestly. Deapool is annoying. And more importantly, Deadpool fans are really, REALLY annoying with their love of the character. And honestly, Deadpool as a character should not work as the main focus of a movie. Which is why he's hardly in this movie as Deadpool. Instead, the movie takes it's time setting up the character and LEADING to the big pay off of seeing Deadpool in all his glory. 

I don't really want to exaggerate here, but I wanted Deadpool to be a huge bomb. Like, a make-no-money failure the likes of The Adventures of Pluto Nash. But, somehow, Fox must have hired a writer that cared about what they were producing for once and made a charming, "totally revolutionary, never done before, unbelievably edgy" R-Rated comic book movie. And it's really good almost despite itself. It's certainly the best Non-Marvel offering since The Dark Knight Rises and pretty much single-handedly saved Fox's super hero genre films from looking like complete failures over and over again.

Number 5: We Are X

I have nothing witty here...this movie just makes me happy-sad

Let me ask you some questions, dear readers. Do you like Rock Music? Do you like triumph and tragedy? Do you love hearing real life stories that sound so unbelievably false that you gasp at the fact that this shit is actually real? Then do I have a film for you.

We Are X covers the honestly tragic history of the band X-Japan, a Japanese metal band that literally changed the way Japan views music. Think what the Beatles did for pop, but with way bigger hair, way heavier drums, and a hell of a lot more sadness

FYI, these are all men

For those curious as to what wacky things happened in these men's lives to justify this film, let me try to break this down as simply as I can without droning. Here goes:

The leader/Drummer/Keyboardist Yoshiki was born with fragile bones that should have resulted in his death as a child, but has somehow lived to be 40 years old. He walked in on his dad shortly after he committed suicide and only has one photograph of him because his mother burned all of her husbands belongings believing him to be possessed by a demon. He started playing drums to stop himself from killing himself like his dad and formed X (or, in america, X-Japan) with his best friend Toshi. They became a huge success in Japan and made it their goals to play in America. Well, somewhere down the line, Toshi got brainwashed by a cult and left the band, crushing all of their dreams. Shortly after, the guitarist Hide (stylized hide.) died, prompting several Japanese people to commit suicide over their loss. Yoshiki, unwilling to let his band's dream die, reforms X with a now un-brainwashed Toshi and sets off for America in hide.'s honor, despite now living in literal constant pain from (I shit you not) rocking too hard for his body to handle.

It's a movie that managed to tell the story of a band that arguably should be one of the biggest bands in the world that honestly nobody outside of America really knew. Even as a fan of the band, my bias is taken out when considering how well put together the documentary is. And, again, despite being a fan, I had no idea about most of the backstory of the band. It is a roller coaster of emotions that I'm glad I got to watch with only one other person in the theater. If you somehow get the chance to see this movie, do it. Watch it and take inspiration from their story.

Number 4: The Revenant

OSCAR AWARD WINNING ACTOR LEONARDO DiCAPRIO

Let's get this out of the way: If we are being REALLY technical, this movie sort of came out in 2015. BUT, I am not one for technicalities. It got it's wide release in 2016 and I couldn't include it last year, so it's here. 

This is the movie that taught me that sometimes you don't need to make everything in a film a ceremony. Sometimes, things just need to be brutal. When I woke up this past January and went to the theater, the thought of "I wonder what it would look like if Leonardo DiCaprio got mauled by a bear" didn't really cross my mind. Nor had it before I saw this movie. But I will remember forever.

This movie follows the batshit insane (somewhat) true story of Hugh Glass as he literally rose from the dead to get revenge of the man who left him to die in the first place. The acting in the movie is impeccable, with Tom Hardy being amazing as always and Leo really earning his Oscar in this one. The post-colonial America setting is brought to life so beautifully, showing off the stunning wilderness surrounding the camps and villages. And the bear scene. Jesus. It is, without a doubt, the BEST movie on this list, but this isn't about being the best. While I loved this movie, I didn't have the emotional connection to it that I have for the top three movies. It's a bit too serious for my entertainment levels. THAT BEING SAID, make sure you see this movie at least once because it is incredible.

Number 3: Kubo & The Two Strings

Kubo & The Two Strings isn't just my favorite animated movie this year. It might be my favorite animated movie of all time now. I don't think a kids movie has ever hit me so hard with it's beauty in the holy trinity of film: writing, visuals, and sound. I have not seen the other Laika movies (though believe me, I will be after seeing this), but the amount of detail put into this stop motion movie is nothing short of awe inspiring. Just the visual of the ocean in this movie brings tears to my eyes. The soundtrack is mystifying, including a hauntingly beautful rendition of my favorite Beatles song ever written, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, performed by Regina Spector; a performence that gave me goosebumps from the opening notes to the outro.

And the writing...damn, where do I even begin. This movie is dark for a children's movie; not dark in the sense that it's too much for a kid to handle, but it's very mature. And that maturity only adds to the film as a whole. Kubo's journey to defeat the Moon to save himself, get revenge for his eye being taken, and avenge his fallen mother is engrossing, enchanting, and inspiring. It's everything a movie like this should be: an epic, sprawling adventure that shows growth for all of it's characters. I laughed, I cried, and I fell in love with stop motion all over again. It's truly a shame that this movie BARELY made back it's budget and I hope that it's home media releases boost this into the legendary status that I think it deservse.

Number 2: Captain America: Civil War

#TeamCap

Do I even need to write a description here? Somehow, Marvel manages to weave a complicated plot, involving the introduction of The Black Panther and THE GREATEST SPIDER-MAN IN HISTORY, 10 or so main characters, a literal war between super heroes, and still manages to make it a Captain America movie. Sure, The Incredibles' did the whole "people turn on the heroes" plot, but I'd argue that this amazingly manages to be better than that. Which is saying something because The Incredibles is a flawless movie.

What gets me the most about all of this is how many genre's the Captain America movies have managed to cover. The first one was a period drama about a comic book character. The second was an espionage thriller about a comic book charicter. Captain America: Civil War is a straight up, unapologetic, action movie. And god does it do it well.

Everyone puts in stellar performances, with Chadwick Boseman and Tom Holland making excellent debuts and cementing themselves as stars. The fight scenes are some of the best you are going to find in a Hollywood Blockbuster, with the chase scene between Winter Soldier, Black Panther, and Captain America being a non-stop thrill ride. I could go on and on and on and gush about how amazing they did a storyline that I really didn't think could work as a movie. And after the disaster that was X-Men: Days of Future Past, I was genuinely scared that this movie would be an absolute shit show. But, through Disney's magic touch, this pulled out another win for Marvel studios.

Now, what could possibly top that?

Number 1: Sing Street

Spoilers: It's this

Surprise! It's a musical, coming-of-age comedy drama set in the 80's in Ireland that nobody saw in theaters. Now, if that sounds uninteresting to you, join the club. I heard the premise of this movie (boy starts a band to impress a girl) and thought "wow...how lame."

Then I saw the reviews, and read about everyone loving it so, so much. And I thought "wow...these people must be out of their minds."

Then I watched it. And they were all right. There isn't a whole lot to give away here. The boy, Connor, is an outcast suffering through his parents marriage falling apart, takes solace in music he's introduced to by his brother. He sees the girl, Raphina, and tries to win her over with music. And the journey from there is just beautiful. You see the kids grow together, find themselves, and find each other. The soundtrack is unbelievable, to the point that it's still on repeat on my phone a month later. And the soundtrack is a MAJOR part of this movie because they are about the characters. Connor writes the songs about Raphina, his position in life, and the world around him. For an example, the ballad To Find You is beautiful in it's own right, but knowing about the characters the songs about adds another layer to the beauty. The growth of Connor through the movie is a masterclass in writing characters. 

I adore this movie. A movie so good that I went out of my way to tell people to watch it. A movie so good that it made me want to go out and accomplish something. A movie so good that I looked at these characters and saw reflections of myself and people I know. It's real and raw, but still has the fantasy element that every dreamer has. And that's why it's my favorite movie of 2016. Go out of your way to see it. It's on Netflix and is 10,000% worth the watch.

Happy New Year everyone

The Amazing Spider-Man: Do I Still Hate It Four Years Later?

So, lets not beat around the bush here. I have been vehement in my hatred of the Amazing Spider-Man “franchise” (if two movies can possibly count as a franchise); specifically the first one. I think they are an exercise in abusing a name to make money and, while they did try to do something different by introducing a plot that basically made Peter Parker destined to become Spider-Man because of a weird science plot involving his parents, it turned out to be a boring, bland mess that’s only real achievement is making Peter the snarky asshole that we wanted in the original trilogy while striping away the timelessness of the character by making him a skateboarding, Angry Birds playing “social outcast” the likes of which is only designed to resonate with teenagers going through their rebellious phase. But that’s kind of part of the problem. The whole thing that makes Peter Parker a great character isn’t is snarky attitude or his quips. It’s his humanity, his humility. He’s one kid going out to make a difference because he feels guilty over failing to do so in the past. But, from what I remember, this Peter is much less the timeless symbol for carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders while still trying to be a student, a boyfriend, an employee, and a nephew. It’s about modernizing a hero that doesn’t need to be modernized because the root of the character that literally anyone can relate to. Ever failed to live up to a responsibility? Bam! Spider-Man'd. As much as Peter Parker becomes Spider-Man to protect those who can’t protect themselves because he let Uncle Ben die, he is also doing it because he knows it’s the right thing to do. He realizes that when you have the power that he does, you should use them to make a difference. That goes for anything in any aspect of life.

So, some background, my Spider-Man was the Fox Kids cartoon show from the 90’s that a lot of people say is trash because of the censorship put on it by Fox and Marvel. This censorship was imposed to avoid the angry comments that they got from parents irate at Fox showing violence in shows like the X-Men cartoon and Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. Despite the show’s toned down violence (seriously, Spidey couldn’t even throw a punch in the show), the plot was pretty good and surprisingly holds up well today, even if Peter’s shirt is distinctly 90’s.

Yikes...

I had the toys, the clothing with his face all over it, pretty sure I even had the light up shoes, I read the comics…I was a Spider-Man fanatic, and still am, even if it’s more reserved today. Hell, my favorite wrestler became Rey Mysterio practically because of his resemblance of Spider-Man, including his kick ass Spider-Man costume. 

Above: My childhood

So, when the 2001 Spider-Man movie came out, you bet your ass I begged my Grandpa to take me to see it day one.

And it was amazing. I finally got to see my hero brought to life by a real person. I got to see him swing through the city. I got to see his costume fully realized, I costume I wore for Halloween at least 4 times. I got to see him fight a weirdly Power Rangers-esque Green Goblin. I got to see Mary Jane, Harry Osborn, Aunt May, Bruce Campbell. It was everything I ever wanted and more. And all it did was further my love. Then came another especially fantastic movie in Spider-Man 2, with that crazy ass train scene that is still in my opinion the best scene in any comic book movie ever. Suddenly, other superheroes were getting their time to shine. It wasn’t just the land of X-Men, Batman, and Spider-Man. The Hulk, Hellboy, Daredevil, V for Vendetta…they all got movies. What Blade and Men In Black started, Spider-Man revolutionized to the point where anything was fair game. And as exciting as all these heroes were, none of them matched my hype for Spider-Man 3.

And I love that movie dearly, even if I’m the only one and nobody agrees with me. But that’s not what this post is about. The Spider-Man and X-Men franchises eventually sparked the big box office success of the comic book movies, which of course led to the Marvel Movie empire. After Spider-Man 4 wound up in development hell thanks to the mixed reaction of Spider-Man 3, Sony decided that, to keep up with Marvel and Fox, they needed to pony up and reboot their money maker in a brand new Spider-Man movie. And once again, I was hyped, but to a much less extent. I have very fond memories of the first three movies, including the literal only tolerable Nickleback song ever written. Spider-Man is magical enough to even make Nickleback palatable.

But the more I heard about the movie, the less I cared. I’m not the biggest fan of the Lizard, I don’t really care about Peter’s parents (and really, who does?), and it was missing the characters that I was familiar with like Mary Jane and Harry Osborne. Instead, they went with Peter’s initial love interest, Gwen Stacy. In addition, they cast Andrew Garfield, who’s face I just want to punch over and over again. Dunno why, just something about him. This wasn’t the nerdy Peter that I had known and loved that still ended up getting the girl. This dude was man-pretty, and for some reason that bothered me, despite in recent years Peter being drawn much more…um…handsome?

Dem abs

So, 2012 rolled around and The Amazing Spider-Man was released. And, people liked it…I guess. I’ve heard people say that it’s better than the original trilogy and I’ve also heard it’s the downfall of comic book movies in general. Aggregate scores have it sitting around a 6/10, which isn’t as high as the original two movies, but is respectable. It also did really well in the box office. But none of that is neither here nor there. Fact of the matter is, I hated this movie when I first saw it. And I’ve only seen it once because of that hatred. It didn’t have the “Chipotle Effect”, in that when I first am subjected to it I dislike it, but later grow fond enough to buy it up to 3 times a week……………..

But yeah, you get it. I was a butthurt comic nerd who wasn’t receptive to change. Maybe I was just jaded and was looking through rose tinted glasses? Well, that’s not the case. I just rewatched the Sam Rami trilogy and they're still great. But at the same time, I rewatched the X-Men movies and realized that they were movies that were good for their time, but showed lots of age. So maybe I was just biased? That seems more plausible. Whatever the case, I wanted to figure it out for myself. So, I figured now would be the perfect time to revisit it and decide if I still think it’s a steaming pile of garbage or if I was just too critical four years ago when it was released. Was past me correct? Am I still butthurt? We’ll find out shortly.

*One day later*

So, it’s better than I thought. But I still don’t think it’s as good as the original Sam Rami Trilogy (Yes, even part 3). On the plus side, I did find a LOT more positive about the movie this time around than I did the first time I watched it. On the negative, the things that I disliked about the movie have only gotten worse with age.

For starters, I still personally don’t like Andrew Garfield. It’s nothing against how he plays the character, I just don’t like his face. It’s not even that he’s playing Peter Parker, it’s literally just his face. I realize that’s probably not the most legitimate complaint ever laid on this movie, but it still stands. He’s got a very punchable face. Which i guess makes the fact that he keeps the mask on most of the movie a plus. Tobey Maguire's tendency to pull the mask off at every given moment in the original Sam Rami movies was one of my few negatives for the movie.

.

Getting past that, my arguments of Andrew being a shitty Peter Parker are right out the window. While I loved Maguire playing dopey, nerdy, hopeless, and hapless Peter Parker, the staggeringly awkward portrayal here by Garfield is just as good and much closer to how people my age would remember Spidey. The sarcastic tones of Spider-Man Post 1970 really come to life in this movie. Sometimes in funny ways and other times in cringe inducing ways. Spidey is an asshole to his opposition, it’s a mental game he plays to get the upper hand. But it’s not normally as over the top as Spidey “cowering” in fear from a dude holding a knife. On the other hand, the banter he has with Dr. Connors, specifically during the fight scene inside the school, is great. Him threatening The Lizard while getting his ass kicked is great.

But, I digress, synopsis time! Starting from the beginning of the movie, we open with Peter’s parents going off to die (spoiler?) and them leaving him with his Uncle Ben and Aunt May. He goes to school, gets made fun of for no reason, gets scolded for skating indoors, gets punched and then goes home. What a day. When he gets home, he finds a briefcase his dad left before he left to die, identifying a dude named Dr. Curtis Connors as his dad's colleague.

Naturally, Peter goes to find him, gets bit by the now famous Radioactive Spider, and then BAM! Spider-Man. Well, sort of. What would a Spider-Man origin story be without Uncle Ben dying after giving the “With great power comes great responsibility” line before Peter disobeys that, letting the wrestling promoter get robbed by the dude who eventually kills Uncle Ben. Oh, what’s that? None of that happens? Uncle Ben doesn’t give the legendary speech that literally sets Peter up to become Spider-Man? And he doesn’t even wrestle Macho Man or anything? No? Okay…

Pictured: The REAL star of Spider-Man (2001)

Well, I can’t fault them for doing something different, which they did, and it’s…fine. It’s not as good as the original epicenter of his morality, but it gets the job done. As the story unfolds, we meet Captain George Stacy, played by Not Willem Dafoe (AKA Dennis Leary). In this movie, he plays the role of J. Jonah Jameson because reasons. For those that know anything about Captain Stacy, they know that Captain Stacy is one of the biggest advocate for what Spider-Man does, defending his vigilante justice. In this movie, he’s an asshole. Because we need someone to hate Spider-Man since nobody else can. Now, to be fair, I guess that in alternate universe stories, Stacy is less of a fan of Spider-Man, but y'know...that just like, whatever man.

Speaking of hating people for no reason, Dr. Connors, a lizard expert, is working on a thing to give humans traits that lizards have to regrow limbs. Like the arm he is missing. He’s doing it to cure Norman Osborne, AKA The Green Goblin, AKA he’s not in this movie. Osborne is dying of horrible Plot Device Disease (PDD), and Connors is under pressure to get this Lizard Science working on people. He and Peter (who’s a genius, btw) figure out a way to make it work on mice, and Connors injects himself because if he doesn’t, Osborne will have him killed.

This turns him into the abomination that is The Lizard. And he looks dumb. The design is not only disloyal to the classic look of the character (Alligator-like snout and tail, raptor looking legs…cloths…) and goes for a cross between the Ultimate Lizard and a the horrible face of the original design. Now, I know it’s not cool to be all “IT’S DIFFERENT AND I HATE IT!!” but…just look at it. It’s awful. The design is awful, the CGI is awful, and his motivation is awful.

I swear i didn't photoshop this

He suddenly goes from “I want to make people strong by having them overcome their handicap” to “I WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE STRONG BY MAKING THEM LIZARDS!!” which as a motivation reeks of them not having any idea on how to make the Lizard work. And it’s not hard man. Gators in the sewer, that’s how they did it in his origin. And this wouldn’t be a big deal if it had any weight to it. It’s too flimsy of a reason to be a villain; and in a series marred by poor motivation, this one is even worse than Electro’s in the sequel.

So, they battle a couple times, Captain Stacy is all like “Don’t date my daughter, brb, gonna die now”, they launch an antidote to a chemical weapon Connors is about to unleash and then Gwen Stacy (oh, by the way, she’s in this movie too) is all like “why didn’t you come do my dad’s funeral? Dick move man” and Peter’s all like “I can’t”. And then it’s over. It’s a decent flick with some flimsy as fuck storytelling and some truly awful CGI for a big budget Sony production, but in the end it’s fun enough to be good. 

However, the main problem I have with the whole movie is the choices it made to be different, not that it just is different. Yes, Gwen Stacy is the original love of Peter’s life. But to anyone that hasn’t read the 60’s and 70's comics or wasn’t even born around that time, the characters of Gwen and George Stacy have little draw to them. Mary Jane has been Peter’s wife in the comics since the 80’s and is in literally every media version of Spider-Man since. They chose The Lizard, one of Spider-Man’s oldest adversaries, they chose the Stacy’s, and they chose to change the origin. So, why choose old characters to draw in older comic fans and then make Peter a bumbling modern day douchebag skate punk that will only resonate with a younger audience? I get that the idea is to modernize Spider-Man and tell a story that hasn’t been told before, but there’s a reason that the story of Peter chasing his dead parent’s past hasn’t really been dwelled on much in the comics: nobody cares. And this movie does a poor job of making the viewer care. Hell, I didn’t mention Gwen in the entire synopsis because she’s almost useless in the movie really. Emma Stone does a great job playing her, and she does play a semi-pivitol role towards the climax, but she’s weightless in this movie. She has great, GREAT interactions with Garfield, and the two have so much chemistry you’d almost think they’d go on to date in real life.

Oh...

The point that i’m trying to get at here is that while the movie is trying to do something different, in doing so it loses the heart of what made the original story so great. Maybe I’m wrong, and older audiences who actually grew up reading The Amazing Spider-Man when it was serialized in the 60’s and 70’s loved the portrayals of the Stacy’s and the newer, hipper Peter Parker. It just seems like a bit of a bait and switch to me to get in long time Spider-Man fans who do love the older characters and wanted to see them portrayed like they remembered. Not only that, but they didn't even use the actual catalyst for Peter Parker becoming Spider-Man. Yeah, Uncle Ben dies, but there's not really that life lesson talk that makes Peter feel his remorse. Do you need to say "With great power comes great responsibility" explicitly to get the idea across? Of course not, but goddamn...Ben yells at him for not picking up Aunt May and then he dies and that's it. Peter's sad about it and then they move on. I think May is in the movie maybe twice after. And they don't call much attention to Ben being dead or it's effect on Peter. He gets mad once at a bully who comes to apologize and then we move on. And it sucks, because the dude that plays Uncle Ben is excellent in this movie! Him giving the speech would have been great! His interactions with Peter are great. He's a huge plus to this whole movie. And to see his performance and Ben's entire role in Peter's development wasted is sad. 

Once he dies, the responsibility thing kind of goes out the window. And that't the biggest problem. We don't see Peter constantly letting people down. We don't see the struggle to maintain balance in his life. He forgets to pick up Aunt May while Ben is still alive (which, how? Peter doesn't even have a car...) and he forgets eggs after he's dead. That's it. Losing the aspect of this as a job really takes a lot away from Peter. It's not showing him miss class to be Spider-Man, it's not showing him miss dates to be Spider-Man, it's not showing him missing out on family plans to be Spider-Man. There's no consequence to being Spider-Man on a personal level. And if you haven't been keeping track, that's the whole goddamn point. He's too busy skateboarding to have responsibilities. And i don't care if he did it in Tony Hawk, we don't need it in a movie set to Coldplay music!

Pictured: More of my childhood. Not Pictured: Coldplay music

But i don't want to end this on a huge complaint.On the flip side, we got the sarcastic asshole Spider-Man that a lot of people my age are more familiar with and complained was lacking in Sam Rami’s Spider-Man. The action is better, even if it does look downgraded from Spider-Man 3’s climax with Venom and Sandman, which I can say with 100 percent certainty, still holds up and is actually really impressive even 9 years later. The Indierific directing of Marc Webb actually helps this movie a lot because his strong suit is intimate interactions, which are plentiful and well done here. Watching the characters in this movie interact is great, especially Peter and Gwen.

It’s just a shame that this Spider-Man and his interactions aren't in a movie that actually lives up to its namesake. For everything positive the movie does, it does something else to undermine itself. It's not nearly as bad as I thought it was. Dare I say that The Amazing Spider-Man is actually pretty good. But one thing's for sure about it; it might be good, but it damn sure isn’t amazing.

So I Saw Deadpool

So, i finally saw Deadpool. And it was good.

My Top Ten Films of 2015

It's that time of year again, where it's time for people to look back and judge everything that happened the previous year. This was actually going to be published last week, but I had one more movie I wanted to see before i made it conclusive.

So, to note, this only includes movies that I saw that were released this year. So, while I'm sure Ricki & The Flash would have been my run-away Number 1 movie, i have to eliminate it from the list.

I'm Sorry, Meryl Streep. Please forgive me

Number 10: Jurassic World

Nostalgia, Ultra

So, this actually happens to be the movie I saw the most in theaters this year, 3 viewings. Each one made me happier than the last. The callbacks to the original, the fantastic casting of Chris Pratt as Owen Grady, and the visual design of both the park and the dreaded Indominous Rex, this lands at number 10. It would be higher if it weren't for the admittedly weak plot and it's focus on the kids who honestly aren't bad, but are hogging the spotlight from Pratt. But honestly, the motorcycle Raptor chase and the final fight with the T-Rex that elicited a childlike "YES!" from me in the theater get it here no doubt.

Number 9: The Peanuts Movie

Dare to Dream

So, in a year filled with overblown action movies, a metric ton of spy movies (either actually or parody films), and whatever Ricki and the Flash is, it was refreshing to see something as simple and soothing as The Peanuts Movie. It's the kind of movie that has something for everyone. It introduces these characters that everyone has know for years and fleshes them out enough that someone who doesn't know what a Charlie Brown is can grasp everything going on. The dialogue is witty, Snoopy's dream sequences with the Red Baron are captivating, and the movie is a special kind of charm that makes other kids movies wish they could be this good.

Number 8: Avengers: Age of Ultron

Dawn of the Planet of the Ultrons

So, while i thoroughly enjoyed this movie and thought that it took what made the first movie fantastic and upped it even more, I just saw too many great movies that dwarfed this. When the first Avengers came out, I screamed to the heavens that they had finally produced a movie exclusively for me. This time, I walked out nodding in approval, but not with the enthusiasm I had for the first rodeo.

The movie is fun, raises the stakes, and introduces fun characters like Scarlet Witch and Ultron who has, without a doubt thus far, the best villain voice in the Marvel movies. The action is great, the one-liners feel more natural, the scene where they have the party at Stark's mansion is great. It's all good, it just...it had a lot of competition, okay?

Number 7: Furious 7

Mangasm: The Movie

Dwayn Johnson flexes out of a cast, rips a machine gun off of a helicopter, and shoots things while Vin Diesel knife fights Jason Stathem on the roof of a parking garage.

Number 6: Creed

Cancer sucks

In what turned out to be a self fufilling prophecy, I walked into Creed thinking that what i was going to see was the coming out party for Michael B. Jordan. And i was right. After what is regarded as one of the worst movies of 2015 (Fan4stic), Jordan was in a make or break situation. Either Creed needed to be amazing or his promising career was over.

This movie delivered in every single way. The way this movie is shot, especially during the final fight, is absolutely mesmerizing. This movie reminded me why the original Rocky got an Academy Award for Best Picture and why Sly Stalone, in all of his slurring glory, is actually a respected actor when he puts effort in. This movie was so good, I wrote a paper about it for Developmental Psychology, as the depiction of the aging Rocky Balboa synced up with the lectures in class. I was in a constant state of bliss as rings of the Rocky theme play off through the fights. The training montage, in all of it's glory, shows the kind of director that Ryan Coogler is. I look forward to Jordan's next movie, and I actually hope this gets a sequel.

Number 5: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Where most of you stop reading

I have to apologize in advanced, Jacob, but this movie is not my number one. Or my two. Or three...you get the point. Look, like i said with Age of Ultron, there was a lot to compete with this year. And while this movie elicited the most childlike wonder and excitement from me and completely lived up to the hype I made up for it, it just isn't my favorite this year. It is, however, my second favorite Star Wars movie, with fantastic visual effects and a great score by the always brilliant John Williams.

The story, which basically echos A New Hope, is well done and has the dark tone that Empire Strikes Back had mixed with the humor of a Marvel movie. It's well put together, well acted, well directed, and just...good. It's really good, and chances are if you saw it, you know it's good. Kylo Ren's lightsaber rivals Darth Mauls for the "Coolest Laser Sword in Movie History" award and Daisy Ridley as Ray sets a new standard for what I want in my cinema heroes. Also, BB-8 giving Finn a thumbs up is literally the best thing ever. 

Number 4: Straight Outta Compton

\

Crazy Motherf...y'know, nevermind...

A movie that surprised me and made me rethink my life (seriously), Straight Outta Compton hits that perfect note where I learned something and was entertained. What I learned is that, in the 80's, being Black in California was a crime punishable by getting the living shit kicked out of you. For anyone that doesn't believe that there were race issues (you know, the 1 person who still exists), watch this movie. The scene from the Detroit concert where the riot happened was my favorite part. And the movie as a whole is a great telling of the World's Most Dangerous Band. The actors do a great job playing the band, Paul Giamati plays what is, in my opinion, his best role to date, and the guy playing Snoop Dogg is amazing. 

It manages to be retro and modern (there's a "Bye Felecia" joke), grounded and over the top, and action packed and earnest all at the same time. It also inspired me to get back into playing and wanting to make music again, something I had been burned out from for a while. Watch the movie, listen to the music, and be changed.

Number 3: The Martian

I need to Science the shit out of this blog

So, while Star Wars was the most visually impressive Sci-Fi movie this year, this one was the most intriguing. Based off the book of the same name, it stars Matt Damon playing a sarcastic asshole botanist who must survive on Mars until someone comes to rescue him. What happens next is probably the most realistic depiction of science and space in Science Fiction film history. From the realistic reaction from the President and NASA when they find out Damon is alive to the "science" of living on Mars. The man plants potatoes on Mars!

It's all the character that drives this movie. A movie about a dude stranded on Mars could have been boring, but thanks to the excellent screenplay adaptation of the book and the return to form directing by the greatest living director, Ridley Scott, it works perfectly. Not only one of the best movies of the year, but one of the best movies I've seen.

Number 2: Mad Max: Fury Road

What a lovely day to die

In what had to be the most out of nowhere experience in films for me, Mad Max Fury Road does everything right with pretty much nothing. The story is simple: Furiosa (Played by Charlize Theron) is driving Immortan Joe's War Rig to get gasoline, but is actually smuggling hi's 5 wives out and away. Chaos insues, Max (played by Tom Hardy) drives a car with Furiosa and shit hits the fan in the most amazing way possible. It's all done with real stunts, no special effects, and that's what puts this movie here. In what is essentially a movie with two very long car chases, it manages to be interesting and fresh the whole time. There is a guy strapped to a semi truck, blindfolded, playing a flaming guitar. The whole time. 

THE WHOLE TIME!

Furiosa turns out to be the biggest badass of the entire movie, standing up to the patriachy set forth by the tyrannical Immortan Joe to free his slaves and live in peace. Furiosa and a tribe of women are responsible for the triumph in this movie, not Max, which some would say is a bait-and-switch, but i would call an excellent twist on top of an excellent movie. The only negative i can think to say is that it is a theater experience. I'm not sure the home version could have the same magic as the theater did. But boy, when I saw it in the theater, it blew my damn mind. And it still sticks with me even though this movie came out relatively early in the year.

Number 1: Inside Out

Feel Factor

This was number one the second it finished, and through every other movie I saw this year. Nothing has lived up to this movies since. This is, without a doubt, the best Pixar film every made in my opinion. From the casting of the emotions (come on, Lewis Black is Anger. It's perfect) to the plot, to Bing Bong. It's all perfect.

And, here is the thing that's gonna blow your mind. Look again at the list. Look at the names. Notice something? Like maybe that this is the only original idea on this list? The only thing that's not a sequel, an adaptation, a re-imagining, or "based on a true story" is this movie is it. The only original idea (surprisingly, he wrote sarcastically) is a kids movie by Pixar.

And it's more than a kids movie about emotions. It's a coming of age story, painting the perfect picture of feeling lost in a new place. It shows that growing up sometimes means you need to leave things behind. And that there are multiple sides to a memory. Sometimes something beautiful can make you sad. And sometimes something sad is a moment you later look back on fondly. It doesn't have the action that other movies this year, but it evoked something in me a movie had never done before. The feeling I got watching this movie can't really be described. It sparked an emotion I can't name, bringing so many memories flashing back and making me look at moments differently. Things I remember from childhood are now looked at different. That's something that Age of Ultron can't do. That's something that Star Wars can't do. And that feeling is what put this here.